Grateful

I figured it was about time (or past time) for another blog entry.  My little girl has been keeping me quite busy, but I was able to escape her clutches sneak away from her peacefully sleeping form this evening, which is a rare occurrence.  I want to start by saying how grateful I am for my daughter.  She is a blessing in my life, and one that I will not take for granted.  Though I would prefer she didn't wake every hour and a half, I am thankful that I have her here to wake every hour. and. a. half.  I can't imagine my life without her, and I am saddened by the recent loss of lives in Newtown, CT, especially the children.

Genevieve has been amazing me with her learning these days.  She crawls like a maniac and wants to stand up every chance she can get!  With enough motivation, she will cruise along furniture and walls.  If she's not motivated to get a particular object, she will lower herself to the ground ever so gingerly, crawl to the object, and then stand back up to grab it before again lowering herself to the ground.  I am never sure what to expect from this child!

G has been using the kitchen chairs and her high chair as walkers.  She holds on to them and walks with them as they scoot across the kitchen, coming to a halt as they hit a table, wall or other chair.  She is trying to figure out the water cooler.  She has the right idea about how to get the water to come out, but she hasn't yet been able to push the lever hard enough to dispense the water.  Thank goodness!!

  Last week she figured out how to open the kitchen cabinets.  J thinks I'm going to put the cabinet locks on, but I keep holding out hoping he will get around to it.  For now, we have chairs placed up against several doors blocking her entrance (a la Uncle Paul style).  One cabinet has been designated Genevieve's, and so far, she has done well with redirection.

 

Friday we went to Sprouts to do a little grocery shopping, and she waved at everyone who passed us by.  Of course they thought G was so cute, and they waved and smiled, which only made her more excited to apply this new skill.  She also understands the word no, though she doesn't always follow our directions.  Tonight, in fact, I said no to her when she was trying to open a kitchen cabinet that I didn't want her in.  She sat back on her bottom, put her hands to her jawline and made her "fit face".  That baby cracks me up!       

Genevieve also has the right idea about drinking from a cup.  If sitting upright, though, she doesn't tip her head back enough to get the liquid up to her mouth.  If slightly reclined, she is a pro at cup drinking.  She ALWAYS tries to get our cups to the point of standing on her tip toes to reach things set far from her grasp.

She still loves music and can often be seen bobbing her head or shaking her booty.  She has also been known to clap and do this funny hand motion, which seems to be to the beat of the music.  Genevieve seems to understand the sign for milk and gets excited when I ask her if she wants some milk while making the sign.  Yesterday I said to G, "Where's Mama's nose?", and she grabbed my nose!  She still needs help finding her nose and Dada's nose, but mine is the larger of the three.  ;)  G also knows what I mean when I say the word bite.  She opens her mouth if she wants more, and she closes her mouth and turns her head away if she's done.  We are still working on the signs for more and all done/finished. 

Genevieve babbles a bunch, especially first thing in the morning!  She just wants to tell you ALL about her dreams.  I would have to say her first word was Dada followed by Mamama/Mama/Mom.  For quite some time she was just babbling those "words", but now she seems to be using them discriminately.  Mom and Mamama happens when she's sad or tired.  Dada happens alllll of the time.  Once it sounded like she said hi when I said hi to her, and sometimes I think she's trying to say kitty (key). She copies me when I try to call Pawncho over.  She makes the kissing noise and pats her hand on the ground.  I love it!

There is so much more I am probably forgetting, but these are the big things that stick out in my mind right now.   Geneveive amazes me every day, and I am grateful to her for teaching me new things and for getting me excited about life again.  I look forward to every single day now that I have her in my life.  I still wish I could sleep longer than an hour and a half at a time, but I will continue doing it as long as she needs me to.  Don't judge the dark circles, unruly eyebrows, or unkempt hair.       

My Passion

Teaching - what I do, what I love, who I am (Okay, so this last one doesn't really fit.  Get over it).

At the beginning of my maternity leave back in February, I couldn't wait to quit working.  I was so overwhelmed by my job requirements and looking forward to the new overwhelming job requirements of being a mom.  There was no way I would've been able to pull off both jobs at the same time, and I still don't know how I will do it when I go back.  That's right, when I go back, not if.  You see, I am passionate about teaching, and I can't imagine not being involved in the opening of young minds.  My mom once told me that teaching wasn't just a job to me; it was my calling.  She is right.  That being said, I am struggling with what to do come February when my district will request I let them know of my intentions.  Will I be returning to my previous position, applying for a different position, or giving up my contract for the following year?  These are the questions that have been weighing heavily on my mind.  What will I do?

To some, the decision would be easy.  My school is saving my job for me.  I can just slip right back in, and for those that are out of work, that may seem like a dream.  When I first submitted my paperwork for the leave of absence, it did seem like a dream.  Now, I'm wondering if it's a nightmare holding me back from something better.  I realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but lately I have been curious about the grass in other districts.  I have been researching.  It's what I do.

I know there isn't a perfect school out there for me.  A perfect school would give me time to learn something new and become more fluent in the new idea before asking me to take on two more new things.  A perfect school would tailor professional development to my individual needs.  I could use formative assessments and record few grades early on at a perfect school.  I would be respected by my administrators and recognized for the experience and knowledge I bring to the table. A perfect school would train teachers rather than relying on having its teachers teach directly from a teacher's guide.  I would love to be able to do what's truly best for kids and not just what would sound best to parents.  Please let me know if this school exists!

In the last 6 years I have been teaching at the same school, and there have been a lot of new things required of me.  Some were state requirements.  Some were district requirements.  Some were my individual school's requirements.  Many of them are good ideas and good for kids, but to take on so many things at once means I am not really proficient in any of them.  I am mediocre at best, and the perfectionist in me terribly hates being mediocre, especially when it comes to something about which I am passionate.  With all of these new things being thrown at me left and right, I felt like I was constantly treading water rather than moving forward to reach my goals.  I was in survival mode much of the time and was only functioning at the status quo level. The following is a sampling of the new things I have been required to take on.

* Differentiated Instruction (not really new to me, but was a buzz word my first year in the district)
* Formative Assessments (again, not new at all, but it was a new thing for my school)
* Backwards Design
* High Yield Strategies
* New Social Studies program (Harcourt)
* Thinking Maps
* Write From the Beginning (new writing program)
* New Math program (EnVision/Investigations - yay!!)
* Aerospace curriculum
* Bully Prevention program
* Pearson Successmaker
* PDSA
* Daily 5/CAFE (love!!)
* Smartboard Technology
* Jr. Great Books (awesome!)

I know there are others that I'm forgetting and still others that I didn't get involved in for one reason or another (i.e. Read Naturally and Accelerated Reader).  This year they received a new reading program, which I will have to learn and "use with fidelity" if I go back to my school.  I also heard they may be adopting a new math program when we've only had the other program for 5 years!!!  What?!

It's not that any one of these programs are bad, but to be expected to implement so many new things means they are not implemented well.  There are 15 items on my list which means there were at least two big new ideas each year and sometimes three.  Keep in mind that we have to learn about these new ideas and implement them in our lesson plans on top of all of the other things teachers do (regular lesson planning, staff meetings, curriculum night, gathering teaching resources, parent/teacher conferences, professional development hours, professional responsibility hours, before/during/after school duties, fundraisers, PTA meetings, etc.).  It's because of all of these new initiatives that teachers are ineffective in the classroom, burned out and suffering from low morale.

I often think back to my early days of teaching and how much I learned and grew as a teacher.  I had amazing mentors.  If you are reading this, thank you for helping me to be the teacher kids deserve.  I know that sounded conceited, but I feel strongly that my passion for teaching, my training, and my desire to continue learning make me a strong teacher.  I am saddened that I feel so burned out after only ten years of teaching, and I feel that I have not grown as much as I could have.  I'm not even going to blame the burnout on all of those Friday nights I was in the book room until 9 PM planning reading groups for the following week!  Blame goes to all of the things that have been piled on my plate in the last 6 years, many without proper support or follow through after the introduction.  If there was additional support the following year, it was often buried beneath piles of new curriculum or lost in the long line of e-mails regarding the latest and greatest "gimmick".  

Don't students deserve better than a bunch of worn out angry teachers?  Our students deserve teachers who are inspired, not tired.  Our students deserve to learn in ways that best meet their needs, and I can tell you that has not been the case in my classroom simply because I do not have the time to do all that is expected.  What's that you say?  Prioritize? Eliminate the unnecessary?  When you are told they are all expected, and then you are given deadlines to submit data that proves you are following through on the requirements, how do you prioritize?

I have to do lesson plans and gather my resources each week or my kids won't be taught what they need to learn.  If you're a teacher, you know lesson planning is no easy task.  You're not just planning for the whole group; you have to plan for small groups and individual students.  If you have special needs students, you may have to plan how you will modify lessons or what accommodations a student will need to learn the material.  I have to plan assessments that are aligned to the standards, or how do I know that they are learning what they're supposed to learn?  I have to update my website and respond to parent e-mails to keep parents informed and involved.  If I want to keep my job, I have to have a certain number of professional development and/or responsibility hours.  I have to have a data wall, so administration can see my class' short term goals and outcomes.  I have to attend staff meetings, or I may miss out on learning of a new requirement and be docked on my evaluation for my lack of professionalism.  The list really is endless!  How many people do you know that take a personal day from work to get caught up on work?  I'm sure more than just teachers, but it shouldn't have to be this way.  What do you think about teachers taking a personal day to conduct parent/teacher conferences because they have so many students they won't be able to fit all of the conferences in to the time given?  This is happening folks.

So, what do I do when my leave of absences ends?  Run far away from teaching? Find a new school in a new district in the hopes of finding my mojo?  Stay on at my current school and fight for changes?  Look into the charter or private arena?  I think I know what I must do, but I still plan to pray about it.  I know that God will lead me in the right direction as usual.  I just have to be sure to quiet my brain long enough to hear His word.  

Please feel free to share your feelings about teaching, teachers, education, God, life...in the comments.  If you have any solutions for me, I am wiiiiiiiiide open!

Random Thoughts

I should be going to bed since I can barely keep my eyes open at 8:53 PM, but I have a lot on my mind.  Maybe if I write them down, then I can sleep peacefully.

1. I want to punch teething in the junk.

2. Grocery shopping is depressing.

3. Genevieve has such a silly personality; we have a lot of fun together each day.

4. I don't want to go back to teaching.

5. I want to go back to teaching.

6. I had such a huge fear of babies choking, but I am slowly overcoming my OCD about that.

7. Jeremy takes G to Starbucks every Saturday for a couple of hours.  They watch the birds and visit with the baristas and strangers that approach.  I love this time.  Usually I do chores; once I took the time to blow dry and flat iron my hair, and another time I went to Hobby Lobby.

8. I desperately want to be crafty, but I'm really not.

9. The Mom's group I joined is filled with some great women who lift my spirits each week.

10. Every time I have prayed for Genevieve's hiccups to stop so that she may eat and find rest, they have stopped within seconds of saying Amen.  That might not make you a believer, but it surely solidified my believe in Jesus and the intercessory work of his mother, Mary.   (p.s. I don't pray every time she gets hiccups, but this has happened enough times that there is no way it's a coincidence.)

11. Being a mom is hard.

12. Being a mom is easier than I thought it would be.

13. I really want some pizza followed by ice cream, but my tummy might hate me if I do that when I'm ready to reintroduce dairy.

14. Genevieve would not let me put her down in the bassinet last night after her first wake up.  I had to rock her to sleep in the family room like I used to do months ago.  After failing to get her to sleep in the bassinet once again, I laid her down on our bed where she happily drifted off to dreamland.  She hogged the bed all night.

15. Before I had Genevieve, I didn't think I would ever co-sleep/bedshare.

16. I dearly love bedsharing, but I also like that Genevieve starts the night in her bassinet.

17. We are meeting with Genevieve's therapists tomorrow.  I hope they recognize the progress she's made, but I also hope that it's not so much that they greatly scale back her therapy.

18. I really want to place an order with a wholesale company that sells girls clothing and accessories, but they are out of stock on almost everything I want!!!

19. I love being home for Genevieve's firsts.  I would hate to have missed any of these moments with my angel.

20. Though I get misty eyed thinking about not having had a natural birth, I don't really get misty eyed over the fact that I had a Cesarean birth.  I wish I could've had amazing birth photos and a different experience with my husband and our daughter, but the experience I had was positive on so many levels.  I now wonder if other women are getting to do skin to skin with their babies in the OR because of me.

21. Before Genevieve, Pawncho was my baby.  Now I sometimes want to kill him.  Those times usually occur if I am worried he'll wake the baby...like last night.  I finally got her to sleep, and he gets on the bed and starts meowing and walking up and down right next to the baby!!  Seriously cat?!

22. I like Pampers diapers.

23. My husband is a good man, but he is still a man.

24. When I think about the one that got away, I am thinking about the scorpion in my garage last week.

25. I love breastfeeding, but I wish I had been able to build up a supply of pumped milk.  I haven't needed it, but it would be nice to have a little stored.

26. Final thought - why does my stomach always start to growl when I am ready to go to sleep?  I guess I'll grab some grapes before I make my way to bed.

Pooped

I actually started composing this post last night, but I just didn't like the flow.  Plus, I was beyond tired.  Tonight I'm even more tired, but at least I only had to edit the post.  I intended to write a few brief sentences, but it morphed into a much, much longer story.  My high school English teacher once said I was too wordy in my writing.  I can see that not much has changed.  

I don't know why I am always wondering why I'm so "pooped" by 8:00 each night.  I'm going to guess it's because I am Genevieve's life.  All.  Day.  Long.

Each morning she wakes around 6:30, and she is ready to play.  I change her diaper, and then she poops.  It's a fun game we like to play.  I'm sure all of you moms know the game. After that we head to the family room (Daddy is still sleeping) to roll around and play with toys.  G is very happy when she first wakes up and is so much fun to play with.  She's full of smiles and laughter and is motivated to work on rolling.  Yesterday she started making this really funny face.  She lays on her belly, lifts herself up with her arms, and scrunches up her face.  We both just laugh and laugh.

After about an hour of burning calories, Genevieve is ready for breakfast.  A good signal for me is her loss of interest in her toys and this little whine she does.  It drives me bonkers!  She eats a little and then wants to sit up.  Once sitting, she reaches for anything nearby - a burp cloth, remote control, my phone, etc.  If nothing is within reach, she will try with all of her might to escape my evil clutches.  This includes attempting to roll down my legs off of the couch.  Sometimes she is content to just rub her hands and feet on the couch and throw pillows.  After about 3 attempts to get her to eat more, she is off and running, er, rolling for her toys again.

Once Genevieve has been awake for about an hour and 45 minutes, I attempt to get her to nap.  Sometimes I need to start sooner and sometimes later.  This will involve a diaper change and nursing her to sleep with white noise playing, which usually takes around 45 minutes.  I transition her to the play yard to sleep, where she will usually sleep for an hour and a half.  She's come a long way since she was a baby, uh, a younger baby.  I use this time to eat breakfast and do any dishes leftover from the previous day.  I also might do a load of laundry or another chore.  Sometimes, though, poop gets in the way of a good nap.  If she has to poop and can't, there's no sleeping.  If she poops while sleeping, she wakes up.  

Once she's awake, we basically repeat the previous activities.  We continue working on rolling over her left arm from her tummy, and we've added learning how to get into and out of a sitting position.  I have to do neck stretches daily for her torticollis (both passive and active stretches), and this involves some trickery for her cooperation.  I can usually be seen dangling a toy from my mouth or making strange noises and faces as seen below.

If all goes well, Genevieve will take another hour and a half nap in her play yard in the afternoon.  When she wakes, we repeat previous activities, but we may do them in a different room.  Sometimes I put her in her swing while I prep dinner, and if it gets cloudy enough, we take a walk.  Today I put her in the Peanut Shell sling for the first time (Thanks for lending this to me, Jenny!).  She seemed to enjoy it, but I definitely need to put it on better next time.  She really needs one more short nap in the late afternoon, but she fights it fiercely.  From about 4:00 until I start the nursing to sleep process (6:45ish), her nickname is whiny boo boo.  Did I mention how the whining drives me bonkers?

When J gets home anywhere from 6-6:40, he's in charge of entertaining her (if he gets home before 6:45). I will serve up his dinner while he plays with G.  I get myself and the bedroom ready for bedtime (night light, white noise), and J puts on a nighttime diaper. Well, actually, he puts one on the baby.  Some nights I feel like I need a nighttime diaper because going to the bathroom with a baby attached to you isn't that doable.  I digress...

J making G happy by whistling

Once G is ready, I will sometimes read her a bedtime story.  Other nights she is beyond tired and won't even sit through the first short page.  Then it's off to nurse.  G eats for a bit on the left side and then falls asleep.  Once she rouses, she will eat on the right.  After sleep nursing for around an hour, she will finally roll over and go to sleep.  I scoop her up and gently place her in her play yard.  Most of the time she stays asleep or wakes briefly and goes right back to sleep.  Other times, like last night, she cries and won't sleep.  If that happens, I have to rock her to sleep for about 5 minutes before placing her in the play yard.  Some nights G will sleep for a couple of hours and then need to have her back patted for a minute to help her go back to sleep.  Other times, she will need to be nursed and then won't go back in her play yard no matter what.  One night she slept for 5 straight hours in her play yard and I got to sleep in any position I wanted!  I swear I heard angels sing.

I am usually so tired by the time Genevieve is asleep that I can't function to do anything productive.  Instead I upload pictures to Facebook, read or watch TV.  I really don't know how I'm going to go back to working full time.  I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I Hope You Dance

My darling Genevieve,

It's hard to believe that you've been mine for 6 whole months already.  That's half a year!  Everyone says how time will fly by.  They tell you to cherish this time and not waste it.  I've been trying my best, sweet girl, to make sure every moment counts - even the ones where you poop immediately after I just changed your diaper.  I find that to be a very awesome talent.

So much has changed about you and about our relationship.  I am amazed every day at how you respond to me and things in your environment.  If you want something you go after it...except if it seems too hard.  We're working on perseverance.  You are developing likes and dislikes.  You have some favorite toys and some toys you could really care less about.  You even seem to prefer certain books (Skippyjon Jones Shape Up and Red Hat Green Hat).  Maybe that's because Mommy prefers certain books.  You like to be held by women mostly and tend to cry when men pick you up, even Grandpa Seaney.  I think it's true that you can sense evil.  (Kidding boys.)

You are figuring out the world around you.  You like to touch everything!!  You will stop nursing so you can feel the burp cloth, my shirt, my skin, your helmet, the couch, the pillows, etc.  If a phone or camera are nearby, you will try to grab them.  You roll yourself to the DVDs daily and push them back.  You love watching Pawncho, and today, you tried to roll to him.  You got distracted by the sound of your feet kicking against the ground while lying on your belly, so by the time you got to where the kitty was, he had already moved to the opposite side of the room.  You drank from Mommy's water bottle with some help on Sunday because you figured out exactly where to place your mouth.  You are very observant and love to watch Mommy and Daddy eat and drink.  You roll to Daddy's plate when it's on the ground, and a couple of times you've put your hand in his food.  You swipe Daddy's glasses right off his face almost every day!  When will he learn?  I guess the same time I learn how powerful your grip is on my hair.   

You are such a big girl!  Today I discovered that I have to adjust your car seat straps because you are too tall for their current setting.  I can't wait to find out how tall you are at your 6 month well check on Tuesday!  Every night I nurse you to sleep.  You always decide when you're done eating and ready for sleep.  You close your eyes and simply cuddle up against me, limbs limp from all the hard work they've done during the day (push ups, toy grabbing, rolling over). Once asleep, I scoop you up and put you in your play yard.  You stay where I put you much of the time, or you roll yourself up against the mesh side to sleep all snug.  You are sleeping 2-4 hours there before I bring you to bed with Daddy and I.  You used to nurse quite frequently during the night, but now you only wake up once or twice.  Your eyes don't even open.  You also don't eat for very long before drifting off to sleep where I imagine you dream of getting to eat solid food soon.

My precious Genevieve, nothing gives me more pleasure than seeing you smile and hearing your laughter.  I do whatever I can each day to have both of those things happen frequently.  I hate hearing you whine and cry, which you do when you are tired, hungry, bored or frustrated.  I try to make sure none of those things happen, but they are inevitable as the world stretches you to your limits some days.  You are such an easy baby (except for nap time), and it takes very little effort to redirect you if you have reached your fussy point and we aren't in a place to immediately meet your needs.  We can walk you around, have you look in the mirror, make silly faces/sounds, give you a new toy or something to feel or chew, or we can simply meet your needs (i.e. a diaper change, a feeding, or sleep).

There are so many more things I can write to you and about you, but it is getting late my love.  I am blessed each day that I wake up to your silly sounds and smiling face.  I love how you grab my face and bit my chin.  I love how you are comforted when I hold you.  I love how your face lights up when you see your Dad.  I love how you've made me a better person in the short time you've been on Earth.  Happy half birthday!

Love,
Your mamamamama

p.s.  I hope you dance, baby girl.

   

   

Food, Glorious Food!

A wise woman once said to a friend who then told me that she "eats to live rather than lives to eat."  At the time, being at least 30 pounds overweight, I didn't get this.  Oh I knew what it meant.  I just couldn't understand the discipline needed to live this way.  Many, many years later, I learned about eating healthy, but I still lived to eat much of the time.  During breakfast I was already thinking about what I was going to have for lunch.

When I became pregnant I didn't take that as a free for all time where I could eat whatever (well, I thought about it for a good, long minute).  I still tried to eat healthy, but I certainly didn't feel bad about that pizza or ice cream (or 50,000 egg and cheese sandwiches) I ate.  As a nursing mother, I figured I'd continue down the same path.  My lactation consultant said that I shouldn't have to modify my diet, as long as it was healthy.  My milk would become flavored by what I ate, and it would help G get used to different flavors.

I will never forget a difficult night around the time G was three weeks old.  She wouldn't stop crying.  She had a clean diaper and a full belly.  We were bouncing her and rocking her thinking she just needed to sleep.  I consulted The Baby Book by Dr. Sears.  It was kind of like our baby Bible early on.  When G started to toot, I consulted the section on gas.  J and I bicycled her legs and massaged her belly, and after awhile it seemed to help a bit.  This may have been the night I sent J out to get gas drops, but unfortunately they were fresh out.  He brought home some gripe water, so we gave it a shot.  I didn't notice that it helped in the least bit.

As I often do, I began researching what could be causing my daughter such discomfort.  She was crying out in her sleep, but not the usual sleep crying.  She was tossing her head back and forth and kicking her legs.  Pitiful little toots would escape her bum, and she would relax and go back to sleep.  This happened all night long every single night.  I should also mention that her poo was not that of typical breast fed babies.  This changed around the 6 or 7 week mark.  Instead of lovely mustardy-yellow poo we were getting slimy, green poo.    
   
 It turns out that the #1 culprit in all of this is cow's milk protein.  Apparently, babies often cannot digest the proteins until their gut is more developed.  No more milk for this mama.  That meant a lot more than just no milk.  It meant no ice cream, cheese, yogurt or anything made with whey, casein or at least 10 other milk based products that are in so many foods.  Though J was doubtful about this solution, he couldn't argue much when G got seemingly better after only three days of me being dairy free.  On the 4th day, I ate some ice cream.  I felt horrible for the pain I put my daughter through that night and the next day.  I knew I had to give up dairy, and I thought it would be the hardest thing.  It was until I discovered another food intolerance.  Corn.

Corn is in everything in some form.  It has been a nightmare trying to find ready made products or packaged foods that are corn free and dairy free.  After discovering a tree nut intolerance, I almost lost it.  I think eggs are okay, but the jury's still out on wheat.  I have my good days and my bad days with food.  I hate cooking, but now I hate it even more because I feel so limited.  I feel bad that J has to have such a limited variety of dinners because I just don't know what to make, and there is no way I have the time or the desire to make two separate meals.  We have spent so much money on food because all I can really eat is chicken, turkey, fruits, vegetables, rice and quinoa.  Produce is expensive, especially when it's organic!

My daughter's comfort and health have been well worth the dietary restrictions.  I keep reminding myself that this will be such a short period in time compared to the rest of our lives.  Two years will go by so quickly, and I may even be able to reintroduce some foods before G is weaned.  It has never been easier to pass up a slice of pizza or a trip to Cold Stone Creamery.  Going from making very few things completely from scratch to having to make most meals completely from scratch is quite a change (and a challenge with a baby to keep me busy).

I now fully understand eating to live and not living to eat.

p.s. J told me tonight that he is trying to break his chai latte habit, so we can put that money towards healthy foods for me.  That's altruism if I ever encountered it.             
        

The Journey to Motherhood

Everyone tells you how much babies change your life but for the better.  I never understood that.  I guess that's because I was never a baby person.  I didn't know how to handle babies or what to do with them.  I didn't get too goo goo ga ga over them, and never reached out and snatched up one of my friends' babies.  I was always content to just sit back and observe.  I now understand that it was my anxiety disorder interfering.  I don't love being the center of attention, especially around people I don't know too well.  If you have a baby, let's face it, you will be the center of attention even if you are only in the background of that center.  I didn't want people watching my ineptitude with babies, so I would only hold a baby if someone offered and then not for too long.

It was this same anxiety that held me back from having a child myself.  J and I married in 1997, and I always just assumed that we'd have kids eventually.  I think J did too, but we always seemed to have some excuse, albeit valid excuses in our minds, to put it off until later.  First we had to finish college.  Then we had to get established in our careers.  Then we had to do this, that and the other thing.  Our friends started having babies, but we were just content with our lives as a couple.  One day a few years ago, J tells me that he wants to have a baby.  Wait a second, I thought.  In a matter of years we went from J not wanting to have kids and me trying to understand why to him wanting us to have a baby.  How did that happen?!

It seems our rolls had reversed.  It was now J doing the convincing.  I wasn't sure I had what it took to be a good mom.  I felt very inadequate and anxious about the whole idea of motherhood.  All kinds of thoughts began to take up space in my mind.  I'm not good with babies.  I'm too selfish.  I won't know what to do.  What if it chokes?  Can we just adopt a 6 year old?

Everywhere I went I felt bombarded with messages of motherhood.  Messages were evident in church homilies, songs on the radio, and even a favorite comedian's stand up act.  God was speaking loud and clear, but I was choosing to ignore his will for my life.  I was too scared, and I let that fear control so much of my life.  I knew I needed outside help, but I kept putting it off.

I finally decided to take the leap in July 2010.  That's right folks, I saw a therapist.  Okay, we also started trying to have a baby.  The therapist told me that I have generalized anxiety disorder that is brought on by my perfectionism.  I tried to tell her that I am not a perfectionist, and she tried to convince me otherwise.  After four wonderful visits with my therapist, I was ready to really work on myself.  There were a lot of changes happening, but one of them was not an expanding belly.  Things just weren't happening.  By October I wanted to stop trying.  I was too stressed and unsure if I was making the right choice.  One night, I spent some extra time in prayer, and I remember telling God that it is all in his hands.  I never realized how freeing it could be to give yourself over to the will of God, but that's exactly what I did.  I quit trying to plan the baby.  I felt that if it was supposed to happen it would, and it would happen in God's time, not mine.

I quit thinking about having a baby and trying to make sure it would be born at a time that would work well for my school schedule.  Wouldn't you know, that's when I found out I was pregnant.  It's funny how these things work.  I let go of my will, and God makes everything fall into place just the way it's supposed to be.  Thanks God.  I need to have more faith in you.    

Heading Home

3/3/12

J brought up the car seat, so we could put G in for the first time.  You should have seen us trying to adjust it!  Hilarious!  We didn't have the manual and weren't sure it was adjusted to fit her.  We did make some minor adjustments and got confirmation from Nurse Alison that it looked good.  J took the rest of our things to the car while the nurses brought me a wheelchair.  I put the car seat on my lap, and a nurse pushed me with one hand while she carried my flowers from Christylee with the other hand.  J met us out front. 

I sat in back for the ride home and watched G drift right off to sleep.  We just kept talking about how we couldn't believe we were going home with our baby.  We were freaked out about having to care for her all on our own.  It was kind of nice having the nurses around to help us if we had questions.  What would we do now?  Oh yeah, freak the heck out!!!

We stopped at Wal-Mart to drop off my prescriptions and then went home.  We put the car seat with baby down in the family room, and Pawncho came over to sniff.  He didn't stick around long. 

It's crazy, but I don't remember much from this day other than having to load the baby back up to go pick up my prescriptions.  I think J made something easy for dinner, and I spent most of my time nursing the baby and trying to get her to sleep in her bassinet.  It felt good to be home, and I am still amazed at how good I felt for a zombie. 

Hospital Pediatrician: Quack or Expert?

3/3/12

We'll see how much I can remember considering this day occurred just over 5 months ago.  

We were visited by a different pediatrician from the one we had the previous two days.  For this I was thankful because the other doctor barely said two words to me.  The first time she came I didn't even realize she was the pediatrician.  This doctor noticed right away that G had torticollis.  J didn't know what it was, but I had heard of it before.  I knew a five year old that needed surgery to correct his torticollis because it hadn't been worked out sooner.  The doctor even asked to take a picture of G's neck to show his students because apparently it was a "classic case".  Basically torticollis is a tightening of the neck muscles, which makes the head tilt to one side.  The pediatrician said it was up to G's regular doctor to recommend physical therapy for her neck. (She has been in therapy for over a month now, and she is making great progress!) 

The pediatrician also commented on G's head shape, or plagiocephaly.  Since she formed against my ribs, her head was flatter on one side and more pronounced on the other.  The doctor mentioned that a lot of people are putting their kids in helmets.  He suggested we not do this.  He said, "You don't see kids in India walking around with helmets on do you?"  Um, okay.    (We currently have her wearing a helmet to correct her head shape.) 



We brought up that we thought G looked "tongue tied".  He said she is, but it would stretch out in time.  He recommended that we not get it snipped.  (We got it snipped when she was around 3 weeks old because she couldn't stick her tongue past her gums, and it was interfering with breast feeding.)  He was very opinionated and a little strange.  He also had some old school/outdated recommendations about breast feeding (feed 15 minutes on one side and then switch to the other rather than letting the baby eat as long as she wants on one side before offering the other side). 

The pediatrician asked us who G's regular ped would be, and it turns out he knows the guy!  He said some nice things about him.  Even though the hospital pediatrician may in fact be a quack, it still felt good hearing support for G's pediatrician.  

Recovery Part 4

3/2/12
I am hurriedly typing this post as my foot rocks my daughter in her bassinet for her nap.  This is not the most quality pieces of writing you will read!

Something I forgot to mention in the previous post was that I noticed it looked like Genevieve was "tongue tied".  This is when the frenulum (the string under the tongue) is attached too tightly to the tongue or too close to the tip, restricting movement of the tongue.  Nurse Alison, when filling in for my day nurse, agreed that it looked tied and gave me some resources if I wanted to get it snipped.

Can you see the tongue tie attached to the tip of her tongue?

This night was the worst night by far!  The night nurse made me feel like crying.  Would it hurt her to have smiled or been concerned for me?  She wasn't bringing me my meds, so I asked for a Percocet as the pain was starting to climb again.  She asked me what my pain level was, and I said about a 3 or a 4.  She said she couldn't give me a Percocet unless my pain was a 5 or a 6, so I told her the pain was now a 6.  I'll play your little games.  The last thing I wanted was to wait for the pain to get so high that it was difficult to bring it back down.  I'd already experienced that my first full day at the hospital.

Genevieve was very sleepy this night.  She wasn't waking to eat, and she wasn't producing poopy diapers.  I'm pretty sure she didn't go more than 4 hours without eating, but it certainly was longer than any other time.  We were keeping a close eye on her, of course, and recording her feedings and wet/poopy diapers.  The nurse kept questioning me about her care in a kind of scolding tone.  I know I'm a brand new mother, but give me some credit.  I'm not 10!  Genevieve had already produced more poopy diapers at the hospital than expected, so I wasn't too worried.    

3/3/12
Sometime after breakfast, Dr. Brown came to check on me.  She talked to us about being discharged saying that we had the option of staying as long as Sunday.  I thanked her for giving us the best birth possible and got all teary eyed.  She gave me a great big hug and said to come back and see her for my VBAC.  She is one amazing doctor, and I'd be honored if she delivered any of my future children (if we decide on more).

Dr. Brown holding Genevieve

The morning nurse came in, and she was the biggest breath of fresh air!  Her name was Gerry, and she was Irish and so full of energy.  She talked so sweetly to G and genuinely seemed to care about her and me.  She was going to go check my chart for my medication schedule.  I told her the time written on my whiteboard was the time I was supposed to have received medication and not the time I am supposed to get it that morning.  Sure enough she went and checked my chart and was floored that I hadn't had any medication since then and brought me what I needed.  It had been at least 12 hours since I'd had meds!  I was nursing the baby when she returned with my medication, and that's when a lactation consultant came in.  She said that my night nurse told her I was needed.  That made my new nurse upset, and she told the LC that I was doing just fine and that she needed to go check on two other women who really were struggling.  I felt so much better because my night nurse really hurt my confidence.  I began to wonder if I was doing something wrong.  

I told her about the care I'd received from my night nurse, and she was so sorry that I'd been treated that way.  I thanked her for her concern and got all teary again.  She teared up as well and gave me a great big comforting hug.  I truly needed that!  I wish I'd gotten a picture of her with G because she was just the best.  Apparently she used to be a midwife in Scotland before coming to America.  We talked about her experiences, and she listened to my teaching stories.  Instead of us watching the video about going home with our newborn before being discharged, Gerry sat with us and went over everything we needed to know and then some.  She was such a great resource, and the fact that she took that time with us meant so much.  I really do need to send her a thank you card.

Here are some pictures from this day before we headed home:

See how her head is higher up on the right?  That's Plagiocephaly.

Hahah, the socks are knee highs!

Well, the baby is stirring, so it looks like I will save our going home experience for the next post.  This one was getting quite long anyway!  Oh, and I'll tell you about her final pediatrician evaluation before we left the hospital.  Veeeeery interesting!  You won't want to miss it! 

Recovery Part 3

I forgot to mention in my previous post that my friend Christylee paid us a visit on the first.  She brought flowers, some books, and some snacks for us.  It was very sweet.  She held Genevieve and visited with us for a short while.  I appreciated her understanding that we needed our rest, so she didn't stay too long.  Thanks girlie!!   

3/2/12
J and I were originally thinking that we might want to be discharged today, but we decided it would make the most sense to stay one more day.  I was just now getting my pain under control, and I was still having some blood clots.  Neither one of us felt good about the idea of going home today.

I met the new nurse just after 7, and thankfully she seemed very nice.  I can't remember her name if that means anything.  Not too long after this we received a very special visit.  Nurse Erin from Babymoon Inn also works at St. Joe's.  She came to see us after her shift ended, and we were so excited to see her.  She held Genevieve and visited with us for a short time, and she reluctantly agreed to a photo saying that she must look terrible at the end of a 12 hour shift.  I thought she looked lovely as usual.  See for yourself.

 
I was happy that I could finally order some breakfast because I was starving!  It's a long time between dinner and breakfast.  Thank goodness for some snacks that Christylee brought us as well as the ones we had packed.  The nurses also kept me going with graham crackers and cranberry juice.  Believe it or not, I really loved the breakfast burrito I'd had the previous day, so I ordered it again along with some strawberries, pineapple, and milk.   Yum! 

Later on, Jeremy decided to go home to shower, check on Pawncho, and get some lunch.  G and I hung out together.  I didn't get much rest this day because my room was like a three ring circus with people coming and going.  The pediatrician came again to check on G.  A nurse came and talked to me about the whooping cough vaccine.  Housekeeping came to clean, and later a volunteer came to change the bedsheets.  I was feeling so much better this day that I got up and walked around with G for a bit while the sheets were being changed.  It actually felt good to get up.  My tailbone was killing me!  The nurse came back at some point to administer my vaccine, and I think another nurse came at some point to draw blood for some reason.

My angel

I was quite perturbed by the fact that whenever it was time for my medication I had to call the nurse's station for it.  This was new to me as all of the other nurses wrote down the times to administer meds on the whiteboard in my room, and they brought the meds on time or close to the right time.  One time I had to call the nurse's station to ask for more water because I'd run out.  That was the first time that had happened because all of the other nurse's were constantly checking my water supply.  The best part was that no one brought me water after I requested it this day.  A different nurse brought me meds at one point because I guess my nurse was at lunch.  I don't know why I even mentioned this because it doesn't really matter.  It was just an unusual day I guess.

When my nurse returned to check on me much later, I told her about the water.  She apologized and said if that ever happens again to just call the nurse's station again.  I hadn't called back because I felt like such a nag having to call all day long for my medication.  I couldn't wait for a nap and for a new nurse.  I loved it when she told me that it was a good idea to "rough up" my nipples before breastfeeding to help me get used to it.  I told her I'd heard that was an old wives tale and that it would do more harm than good.  She didn't like my response; I probably should've just bitten my tongue and nodded my head.

I can't remember much else from this day.  I know J was happy to have had a shower.  I ended up not even bothering with a shower though I really wanted one.  G and I were figuring out this breastfeeding business quite well, though I knew it could be a little better.  J got lots of sleep though I can't say that it was quality sleep.  I got a decent amount of sleep but not as much as I would have liked.  I'm sure that will be the story of my life from now on, right?  

Recovery Part 2

3/1/12

As promised, Nurse Karyn came to my room at 4AM to take out the catheter and get me up to use the restroom on my own.  The catheter part was easier than I expected, the getting up out of bed was just as hard as I expected - maybe even a little harder.  I raised the head of the bed as high as it would go to make me sit as upright as possible.  I scooted myself to the edge of the bed using the handle on the bed for some leverage.  Once I got to the edge of the bed, Karyn reminded me to use my thighs to help me up rather than using my abs.  This was easier said than done.  You really forget how much you rely on your abdominal muscles for everyday movements.

Once I was up, Karyn held my arm lightly as I shuffled to the restroom.  I'll spare you most of the details here, however, there was an unexpected surprise as I was getting up from using the bathroom.  A ginormous (I'm not even exaggerating) blood clot escaped my body and completely grossed and freaked me out.  Though I really wanted to go back to bed, I knew I needed to move a bit more.  After donning my robe, Karyn helped me walk down the hallway and back to bed where I found that getting back in was just as difficult as getting out.  My stomach did not like me very much after I got positioned in bed.  G & J slept through this whole thing if I remember correctly.

Later in the day I got up to use the restroom again with help from Karyn.  She asked me if I felt dizzy at all, and I really felt okay considering the circumstances.  Just after 7, Nurse Karyn introduced me to my day nurse, Alison.  It turns out that Alison and I share a birthday.  Every time they bring you medication you have to state your name and birth date.  When Alison would bring me my meds, she would say, "What's our birthday?"  Cute.

Sometime that morning, a woman came to do a hearing test on Genevieve.  Luckily for everyone, G slept right through the test and passed with flying colors.

At this point I was receiving Toradol through my IV.  The final dose was to be at 11:30 AM, but when that time rolled around, Alison brought me a Motrin rather than continuing the Toradol.  For the rest of the day I received Motrin every 6 hours.   Once I was able to get the baby to sleep, I was able to pass her off to J to hold.  Then I could snooze for a bit.  Look at what a natural daddy J is. 

I got up later in the day to again use the restroom, and I felt very dizzy.  I had to go right back to bed because I also felt queasy.  I got up and tried again later, but that trip only resulted in me almost passing out.  Since I've passed out before, I knew the signs.  Luckily, I was close to the bed and sat right back down.  I had to sit on the edge of the bed until I had enough strength to move myself back onto the bed all of the way.  This day was not my favorite.  Oh, and I thought you all might appreciate this picture:

I especially love the yellow one that reads "FALL RISK". 

I found out that Karyn was to be my night nurse again, and I was very happy about that.  She was just so nurturing and motherly, and that's what I really needed at this point.  Alison also mentioned that Karyn lives in Anthem.  Small world I thought.        

By late evening, I was in quite a bit of pain.  On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst pain, I was around a 6.  I just figured this was to be expected, so in between feedings, I tried to rest the best I could.  I don't know at what point I told J about my discomfort, but he told me to talk to the nurse about my pain relief options because Motrin obviously wasn't very effective.  I was crying and started to feel depressed because I didn't feel I could properly care for Genevieve in my current state.  I finally fell asleep (and apparently was snoring up a storm), and when I awoke, Karyn was there.  She said that J mentioned how I was feeling and asked me what my pain level was.  I told her it was around an 8 now, and she apologized that my pain was allowed to get so high.  She offered me Percocet, and I gladly accepted.  I was allowed to have one Percocet every 4 hours and a Motrin every 6 hours.

Karyn and I talked for a bit.  I told her I was a teacher in Anthem, and she told me one of her girls went to Boulder Creek High School and the other went to Gavilan Peak School.  She asked me if I worked with the gal from the show Downsized, and I told her I did.  She said, "She goes to my church."  I told Karyn that I also attended St. Rose, and I thought again, what a small world.  I have a feeling that God placed this nurse in my life for a reason.  He knew I needed this connection and the kind of care I received from this woman.  I am very thankful for Nurse Karyn.  

Recovery Part 1

2/29/12

After I was all stitched up, I was moved to a bed and wheeled into the recovery room.  J was waiting for me holding Genevieve skin to skin.  It was such a lovely sight.  Of course I was ready to hold G right away, so J passed her off to me.  I tried to breastfeed, but getting her latched was a bit of a challenge.  She didn't want to open her mouth wide enough, so we had to take her off a few times until she latched better.  Thanks Dianne for helping.  I was not prepared for what a beautiful experience breastfeeding would be.  I felt an immediate connection with my daughter and one I can't begin to explain in words.  Unfortunately, waves of nausea kept coming over me, which lead to dry heaves.  The nurse brought me something to "toss my cookies" in, but I never really threw up anything.  If I remember correctly, they offered me something to alleviate my nausea, but I didn't really want any more medication.

I have no idea how long I was in the recovery room.  I only remember lying there in pure disbelief that I had my daughter in my arms.  I knew this day was coming, but the real anxiety of being a new mom was starting to set in.  Eventually I was brought to my hospital room.  The nurses asked if I wanted to scoot myself to the new bed or if I wanted them to move me.  I opted for them to move me considering I still couldn't feel my legs or even wiggle my toes.  The next several hours are really a blur right now.  I don't remember much except for holding G.  I'm sure they checked my temperature and blood pressure since they did that quite regularly.  My nurse, Deanna introduced us to the evening nurse, Karyn.  At some point they brought me a "clear liquid" dinner, which consisted of chicken broth, lime Jello, orange Jello, frozen lemon ice dessert, and a lemon lime soda.  I only had the broth, the dessert, and the soda, and then I promptly threw them all up.  What fun!  

I think I was surviving on pure adrenaline since I did not feel very tired.   I just kept holding G and staring at her.  She was so beautiful despite some imperfections from her position in the womb.  I'll tell you more about those later. 

By now J decided to head out to the car to grab some of our things.  Warning:  TMI about to be shared.  Karyn came in to check on me.  Apparently I was bleeding quite heavily and had some decent sized blood clots.  She called for Dr. Brown.   I called J, but he didn't answer.  I really needed him to hurry because I was a little scared, so I called him again.  Thank goodness he answered.  He had been talking to his mom on the phone.  I told him to please hurry because I was bleeding, but I was okay.   By the time he arrived, Dr. Brown was there, and she explained that sometimes the uterus doesn't do what it's supposed to do.  It kind of collapses, which causes clotting like I had.  They administered Pitocin through my IV to help control the bleeding.  Karyn and I discussed the idea of taking the catheter out and me getting up and walking around.  She said she'd come back at 4am to see if I was ready for that, and I agreed that it would be good.  I knew that moving around as soon as I felt able would help the healing process.       

G and I dozed off together, and once J got help unfolding the vinyl chair into a couch/bed, he too got some rest.  I know at some point J took the baby, so I could sleep better.  He also changed all of the diapers, and there were many.  He is such a good man!  It was expected that G have at least one poopy diaper within 24 hours, but she is an overachiever like her parents and had at least four poopy diapers.  At least we knew she was eating well, and her system was in good, working order.  I had no more nausea that whole night, for which I was very thankful.  I was also thankful for surviving my first night caring for a new baby after major abdominal surgery.  I don't know how people do something like that without the support of another person.  I was immensely grateful to have J with me the entire time.  He was my rock.

Special Delivery

After 41 weeks and nearly 3 days of growing my daughter, I was finally going to meet her.  There was still so much to do to prepare, but everyone told me that it wouldn't matter once Genevieve arrived.  They were right.

I went to bed just after midnight, and I laid there for about an hour.  I couldn't shut my brain down; so many thoughts were running through my head.  I must have dozed off at some point because I woke up to use the restroom and noticed it was only 1:45.  This was going to be a long night!  It took me awhile to fall asleep again, and I wasn't ready for my alarm to go off.  It was set for 4:00 AM in order for me to eat some breakfast before the cut off point.  I couldn't have anything to eat or drink 8 hours prior to the Cesarean Section, which was scheduled for 1:00 PM, and I knew I was going to need some energy.  After eating an egg and cheese sandwich, I headed back to bed where I laid there without really sleeping until my alarm went off again at 7:30AM.

I got up and did some dishes and prepared for Lisa and Angie who were going to sit for Pawncho while we were gone.  After showering I packed some last minute things for the hospital and debated whether or not to wear any makeup.  I really wanted to look halfway decent in my first photos with my new family, but I knew I'd be all teary eyed.  I opted for zero makeup, and in the end it was all good.

We arrived at St. Joe's at 11AM to check in, and our wonderful doula, Dianne arrived shortly after.  They took me in to OB triage to check the baby's position.  We all could feel where her head was (shoved up near my ribs), but Dr. Brown did an ultrasound to confirm that she was still breech.  They hooked me up to an IV to get me nice and full of fluid.  The nurses there were great and took good care of me during this short time before our special delivery.

I asked Dr. Brown if she'd seen my birth plan, and she hadn't.  They didn't have it in my file, but I brought an extra one just in case.  We went through each item on the plan, and the doctor told me the things on there that will absolutely happen, including some postpartum requests.  There were a few things she needed to check on because she wasn't in charge of that.  A couple of those items were the playing of music during the delivery and allowing J to be in the OR while they prepped me.  She also wasn't sure if we could do skin to skin immediately because of how cold it was in the room.

After some asking, Dr. Brown came back to inform us that we could definitely play music, and J could be in the OR with me after they took care of my spinal.  They said they've had people pass out on them while they watched a spinal being placed.  We were perfectly fine with this.  In fact, we were very pleased that so many things in our birth plan were easily honored.  The ones that weren't had very valid reasons, and we were comfortable not sticking to the plan with these.

Okay, I think we should move on the part you all want to hear about - the special delivery.  J helped the nurse wheel me in my bed down the halls to the OR.  Dianne followed and said a special prayer for us on the way.  J and Dianne got prepped to be in the OR, though they couldn't both be in there at the same time, and I went in for my spinal.  It was freezing in there!  They helped me up on the tiny operating table, gave me two warmed blankets, and prepped my back for the spinal.  This was not my favorite experience.  To say that it was uncomfortable is an understatement.  Once the spinal was in, however, it was mere seconds before I could no longer feel anything from the chest down.  The nurses helped me lie down and brought J in.

J took my right hand as the anesthesiologist fixed the overhead mirror to allow us to view the c-section if we chose.  Neither one of us really wanted to watch, but I did want to see them delivering Genevieve.  I glanced up in the mirror to see them pinching my belly with clamps or something, and I couldn't feel a thing, which was the idea.  The doctors and nurses were ready to begin, and I started to feel a little queasy.  The anesthesiologist said to let him know if I got nauseous, so I told him.  I don't know if the nausea was caused from the spinal or just the anxiety I was feeling about the whole situation.

I had asked the doctor to give us a play by play so we'd have an idea of what was going on throughout the procedure.  Dr. Brown let us know when they were making the first incision and when they finally opened up my uterus.  They let me know that I would feel some pressure and tugging as they delivered Genevieve from my womb.  They said they could see her little behind, and that's when I looked in the mirror.  I could see her bottom coming out followed by her legs that were straight up. They gently pulled her the rest of the way out and immediately held her over the drape so we could meet our daughter for the first time.  I'm pretty sure that's when we both started crying.

Genevieve was born at 1:43 PM on February 29, 2012 - Leap Day.  She weighed 7 pounds 6 ounces and was 20 inches long.  She had meconium on her (as you can see in the above picture), so they took her away to be wiped off and warmed.  One nurse, Heather, brought G over to me and placed her on my chest so we could have immediate skin to skin contact.  As I mentioned above, I wasn't sure if this was a request that would be granted, but Heather was instrumental in helping us achieve this goal.  J helped hold G on me, and Heather took pictures for us.  I'm not going to lie; it wasn't easy holding my daughter this way since I was hooked to an IV, oxygen, blood pressure cuff, and I think a heart rate monitor.  It was both awkward and beautiful - a moment in time I will never forget, and I'm eternally grateful to Dr. Brown and her staff for making this such a special delivery.

After this short bonding time, J took G to the recovery room to wait for me.  Dianne slipped into the OR to stay with me while I was being stitched up.  Dr. Brown asked what we were naming our daughter, and when I said Genevieve Noelle, she said how much she loved the name Noelle and had wanted it for her daughter's name.  We continued to have conversations about kids, which took my mind off of what was being done to me.  A couple of times I glimpsed it in the mirror, which was a mistake.  As soon as I was all sewn back together, they transferred me to the recovery bed and wheeled me into recovery.

Stay tuned for my next entry to find out what that first night was like for my new little family.  (You might have to wait awhile since I've gotten very little sleep these days.  In fact, I should be sleeping now, but I really wanted to finish this entry.)  

Leap Frogs and Tears

Well, it looks like we'll have ourselves a little leap frog baby.  Tonight we scheduled a c-section for tomorrow, February 29, 2012 at 1:00 PM.  This happens to be Leap Day, which we think is hilarious.  It also happens to be a Wednesday, and the saying is that a Wednesday's child is full of woe.  This is about right.  It turns out that both J and I were born on a Wednesday, so it's only fitting that Genevieve is as well.  It's a trifecta of Wednesday's children!  I'm positive she's ready for the world outside of the womb.  At this very moment it seems she is trying to break out of my uterus!  She's been quite active ever since dinner (maybe it was the spicy barbecue sauce of Honey Bear's). 

To say we are excited would be an understatement.  I think J is more excited than I am simply because he's not the one that has to have surgery.  He's very sympathetic, and I know for sure that he will be incredibly supportive of me during and afterward.  I don't know how people go through something like this without the love and support of someone else.  I am blessed beyond measure.  Right now I am trying to focus on the birth of my daughter rather than the surgery aspect of it.  I still get teary about it all, but I'm just going to blame the hormones surging through my body.

I can't wait to hear her first cry.  I can't wait to see who she looks more like.  I can't wait to hold her in my arms, and more than that I can't wait to see her daddy hold her for the first time.  I'm going to be a teary mess (hence half of the blog title).  The camera battery is charging up in preparation for tomorrow.  I'll be sure to post pictures as soon as possible, and you can all chime in on who you think Genevieve looks the most like.  I wonder if she'll have hair or if she'll be as bald as I was.  I wonder how much she'll weigh.  My original guess was less than 8 pounds, but now I'm rethinking that idea.

I am thinking I should get to bed and finish things in the morning.  This will be my last night of real sleep for a loooooong time.  Besides, I have to get up and eat a good breakfast before the cut off time, which means eating around 4 AM when I feed the cat.  Oh, and we broke the news to Pawncho tonight that we won't be home for awhile, and when we do come home, he's not going to like the new house guest.  I'm thinking of having Jeremy drive home one day with something that has the baby's scent on it.  I doubt it will do any good, but who knows?

Tomorrow, I will have my daughter in my arms, and not much else is going to matter to me.  I will worry about the cat being all alone, but I have good people stopping by to feed and water him.  I can't wait to see how he reacts to Genevieve!

Can't Sleep

When the birth of your first child can begin any minute, it is not really a good time for insomnia, though it is understandable I suppose.  I have been having trouble sleeping for the past week.  I suppose it's a lot of anticipation, but it's also a lot of feeling like I still have so much to do to prepare myself for caring for an infant. 

Rather than lying in bed staring at the ceiling, well, wall really since I have to sleep on my side, I got up to do a little reading.  I figured that would put me to sleep.  Nope.  Then, Pawncho wanted to play, so we played a game of hide and seek.  I always win because he always hides in the guest bathtub.  It was a fun game nevertheless.  Since I was still pretty awake, I figured I'd add one more blog entry. 

I am beginning to wonder if Genevieve just wants to be a Leap Year baby.  She's already shown us that she wants to be different from 96% of babies by being breech.  Why not be different by only having a birthday every four years?  If she doesn't come soon, I'm sure we'll have to schedule a c-section considering I am now 41 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  We are about out of time, and I was really hoping for that itty, bitty chance of her turning in labor.  Again, I realize it's a long shot, but I still had some hope.  J and I went for a good walk/hike early Sunday evening.  It was pretty nice out and almost too hot.  I got to see some rabbits, a chipmunk, and lots of quail.  I thought about how exciting it will be to see those things through Genevieve's eyes.   

Genevieve is moving around quite a bit right now.  One minute I can feel her head to the left of my belly button, and the next minute it seems to move to just above my belly button.  When I was reading earlier, her head seemed to be more on the right side of my abdomen but still slightly above my belly button.  I wish she would just move that head much farther down!  Tonight we listened to some music together until the battery in my Zune died.  I had one ear bud in my ear and one ear bud down low on my belly.  Unfortunately, we only got to hear two songs before the battery went dead.

I was having a sad day today.  I'm having a difficult time finding excitement for the birth of my daughter, and this hurts my heart fiercely.  I am really having to work to keep my anxiety at bay and not let it overshadow the miracle that is about to take place.  J suggested I make a list of all the things for which I am looking forward.  That's a good idea.  That will be my project for tomorrow.       

Hang on a second...Pawncho is running around like crazy.  I think he may be spooked by the wind outside.  I'm going to go chase him or at least figure out what he's doing.

Holy guacamole!  The cat scared me half to death!  I'll have to add a picture to this post soon, so you can see where he was.  I was not expecting him to be on the counter as I turned the corner.  It made for a fun game for a few minutes though.  I think he's still sitting on the counter.  Anyway, where was I?

I guess I should wrap this up and try to get some shut eye since the clock just struck midnight.  J will be getting up in about 4 1/2 hours to drink his protein shake and go work out with his trainer.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.  Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  ~ Philippians 4:6-7