Everyone tells you how much babies change your life but for the better. I never understood that. I guess that's because I was never a baby person. I didn't know how to handle babies or what to do with them. I didn't get too goo goo ga ga over them, and never reached out and snatched up one of my friends' babies. I was always content to just sit back and observe. I now understand that it was my anxiety disorder interfering. I don't love being the center of attention, especially around people I don't know too well. If you have a baby, let's face it, you will be the center of attention even if you are only in the background of that center. I didn't want people watching my ineptitude with babies, so I would only hold a baby if someone offered and then not for too long.
It was this same anxiety that held me back from having a child myself. J and I married in 1997, and I always just assumed that we'd have kids eventually. I think J did too, but we always seemed to have some excuse, albeit valid excuses in our minds, to put it off until later. First we had to finish college. Then we had to get established in our careers. Then we had to do this, that and the other thing. Our friends started having babies, but we were just content with our lives as a couple. One day a few years ago, J tells me that he wants to have a baby. Wait a second, I thought. In a matter of years we went from J not wanting to have kids and me trying to understand why to him wanting us to have a baby. How did that happen?!
It seems our rolls had reversed. It was now J doing the convincing. I wasn't sure I had what it took to be a good mom. I felt very inadequate and anxious about the whole idea of motherhood. All kinds of thoughts began to take up space in my mind. I'm not good with babies. I'm too selfish. I won't know what to do. What if it chokes? Can we just adopt a 6 year old?
Everywhere I went I felt bombarded with messages of motherhood. Messages were evident in church homilies, songs on the radio, and even a favorite comedian's stand up act. God was speaking loud and clear, but I was choosing to ignore his will for my life. I was too scared, and I let that fear control so much of my life. I knew I needed outside help, but I kept putting it off.
I finally decided to take the leap in July 2010. That's right folks, I saw a therapist. Okay, we also started trying to have a baby. The therapist told me that I have generalized anxiety disorder that is brought on by my perfectionism. I tried to tell her that I am not a perfectionist, and she tried to convince me otherwise. After four wonderful visits with my therapist, I was ready to really work on myself. There were a lot of changes happening, but one of them was not an expanding belly. Things just weren't happening. By October I wanted to stop trying. I was too stressed and unsure if I was making the right choice. One night, I spent some extra time in prayer, and I remember telling God that it is all in his hands. I never realized how freeing it could be to give yourself over to the will of God, but that's exactly what I did. I quit trying to plan the baby. I felt that if it was supposed to happen it would, and it would happen in God's time, not mine.
I quit thinking about having a baby and trying to make sure it would be born at a time that would work well for my school schedule. Wouldn't you know, that's when I found out I was pregnant. It's funny how these things work. I let go of my will, and God makes everything fall into place just the way it's supposed to be. Thanks God. I need to have more faith in you.
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