Grateful

I figured it was about time (or past time) for another blog entry.  My little girl has been keeping me quite busy, but I was able to escape her clutches sneak away from her peacefully sleeping form this evening, which is a rare occurrence.  I want to start by saying how grateful I am for my daughter.  She is a blessing in my life, and one that I will not take for granted.  Though I would prefer she didn't wake every hour and a half, I am thankful that I have her here to wake every hour. and. a. half.  I can't imagine my life without her, and I am saddened by the recent loss of lives in Newtown, CT, especially the children.

Genevieve has been amazing me with her learning these days.  She crawls like a maniac and wants to stand up every chance she can get!  With enough motivation, she will cruise along furniture and walls.  If she's not motivated to get a particular object, she will lower herself to the ground ever so gingerly, crawl to the object, and then stand back up to grab it before again lowering herself to the ground.  I am never sure what to expect from this child!

G has been using the kitchen chairs and her high chair as walkers.  She holds on to them and walks with them as they scoot across the kitchen, coming to a halt as they hit a table, wall or other chair.  She is trying to figure out the water cooler.  She has the right idea about how to get the water to come out, but she hasn't yet been able to push the lever hard enough to dispense the water.  Thank goodness!!

  Last week she figured out how to open the kitchen cabinets.  J thinks I'm going to put the cabinet locks on, but I keep holding out hoping he will get around to it.  For now, we have chairs placed up against several doors blocking her entrance (a la Uncle Paul style).  One cabinet has been designated Genevieve's, and so far, she has done well with redirection.

 

Friday we went to Sprouts to do a little grocery shopping, and she waved at everyone who passed us by.  Of course they thought G was so cute, and they waved and smiled, which only made her more excited to apply this new skill.  She also understands the word no, though she doesn't always follow our directions.  Tonight, in fact, I said no to her when she was trying to open a kitchen cabinet that I didn't want her in.  She sat back on her bottom, put her hands to her jawline and made her "fit face".  That baby cracks me up!       

Genevieve also has the right idea about drinking from a cup.  If sitting upright, though, she doesn't tip her head back enough to get the liquid up to her mouth.  If slightly reclined, she is a pro at cup drinking.  She ALWAYS tries to get our cups to the point of standing on her tip toes to reach things set far from her grasp.

She still loves music and can often be seen bobbing her head or shaking her booty.  She has also been known to clap and do this funny hand motion, which seems to be to the beat of the music.  Genevieve seems to understand the sign for milk and gets excited when I ask her if she wants some milk while making the sign.  Yesterday I said to G, "Where's Mama's nose?", and she grabbed my nose!  She still needs help finding her nose and Dada's nose, but mine is the larger of the three.  ;)  G also knows what I mean when I say the word bite.  She opens her mouth if she wants more, and she closes her mouth and turns her head away if she's done.  We are still working on the signs for more and all done/finished. 

Genevieve babbles a bunch, especially first thing in the morning!  She just wants to tell you ALL about her dreams.  I would have to say her first word was Dada followed by Mamama/Mama/Mom.  For quite some time she was just babbling those "words", but now she seems to be using them discriminately.  Mom and Mamama happens when she's sad or tired.  Dada happens alllll of the time.  Once it sounded like she said hi when I said hi to her, and sometimes I think she's trying to say kitty (key). She copies me when I try to call Pawncho over.  She makes the kissing noise and pats her hand on the ground.  I love it!

There is so much more I am probably forgetting, but these are the big things that stick out in my mind right now.   Geneveive amazes me every day, and I am grateful to her for teaching me new things and for getting me excited about life again.  I look forward to every single day now that I have her in my life.  I still wish I could sleep longer than an hour and a half at a time, but I will continue doing it as long as she needs me to.  Don't judge the dark circles, unruly eyebrows, or unkempt hair.       

My Passion

Teaching - what I do, what I love, who I am (Okay, so this last one doesn't really fit.  Get over it).

At the beginning of my maternity leave back in February, I couldn't wait to quit working.  I was so overwhelmed by my job requirements and looking forward to the new overwhelming job requirements of being a mom.  There was no way I would've been able to pull off both jobs at the same time, and I still don't know how I will do it when I go back.  That's right, when I go back, not if.  You see, I am passionate about teaching, and I can't imagine not being involved in the opening of young minds.  My mom once told me that teaching wasn't just a job to me; it was my calling.  She is right.  That being said, I am struggling with what to do come February when my district will request I let them know of my intentions.  Will I be returning to my previous position, applying for a different position, or giving up my contract for the following year?  These are the questions that have been weighing heavily on my mind.  What will I do?

To some, the decision would be easy.  My school is saving my job for me.  I can just slip right back in, and for those that are out of work, that may seem like a dream.  When I first submitted my paperwork for the leave of absence, it did seem like a dream.  Now, I'm wondering if it's a nightmare holding me back from something better.  I realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but lately I have been curious about the grass in other districts.  I have been researching.  It's what I do.

I know there isn't a perfect school out there for me.  A perfect school would give me time to learn something new and become more fluent in the new idea before asking me to take on two more new things.  A perfect school would tailor professional development to my individual needs.  I could use formative assessments and record few grades early on at a perfect school.  I would be respected by my administrators and recognized for the experience and knowledge I bring to the table. A perfect school would train teachers rather than relying on having its teachers teach directly from a teacher's guide.  I would love to be able to do what's truly best for kids and not just what would sound best to parents.  Please let me know if this school exists!

In the last 6 years I have been teaching at the same school, and there have been a lot of new things required of me.  Some were state requirements.  Some were district requirements.  Some were my individual school's requirements.  Many of them are good ideas and good for kids, but to take on so many things at once means I am not really proficient in any of them.  I am mediocre at best, and the perfectionist in me terribly hates being mediocre, especially when it comes to something about which I am passionate.  With all of these new things being thrown at me left and right, I felt like I was constantly treading water rather than moving forward to reach my goals.  I was in survival mode much of the time and was only functioning at the status quo level. The following is a sampling of the new things I have been required to take on.

* Differentiated Instruction (not really new to me, but was a buzz word my first year in the district)
* Formative Assessments (again, not new at all, but it was a new thing for my school)
* Backwards Design
* High Yield Strategies
* New Social Studies program (Harcourt)
* Thinking Maps
* Write From the Beginning (new writing program)
* New Math program (EnVision/Investigations - yay!!)
* Aerospace curriculum
* Bully Prevention program
* Pearson Successmaker
* PDSA
* Daily 5/CAFE (love!!)
* Smartboard Technology
* Jr. Great Books (awesome!)

I know there are others that I'm forgetting and still others that I didn't get involved in for one reason or another (i.e. Read Naturally and Accelerated Reader).  This year they received a new reading program, which I will have to learn and "use with fidelity" if I go back to my school.  I also heard they may be adopting a new math program when we've only had the other program for 5 years!!!  What?!

It's not that any one of these programs are bad, but to be expected to implement so many new things means they are not implemented well.  There are 15 items on my list which means there were at least two big new ideas each year and sometimes three.  Keep in mind that we have to learn about these new ideas and implement them in our lesson plans on top of all of the other things teachers do (regular lesson planning, staff meetings, curriculum night, gathering teaching resources, parent/teacher conferences, professional development hours, professional responsibility hours, before/during/after school duties, fundraisers, PTA meetings, etc.).  It's because of all of these new initiatives that teachers are ineffective in the classroom, burned out and suffering from low morale.

I often think back to my early days of teaching and how much I learned and grew as a teacher.  I had amazing mentors.  If you are reading this, thank you for helping me to be the teacher kids deserve.  I know that sounded conceited, but I feel strongly that my passion for teaching, my training, and my desire to continue learning make me a strong teacher.  I am saddened that I feel so burned out after only ten years of teaching, and I feel that I have not grown as much as I could have.  I'm not even going to blame the burnout on all of those Friday nights I was in the book room until 9 PM planning reading groups for the following week!  Blame goes to all of the things that have been piled on my plate in the last 6 years, many without proper support or follow through after the introduction.  If there was additional support the following year, it was often buried beneath piles of new curriculum or lost in the long line of e-mails regarding the latest and greatest "gimmick".  

Don't students deserve better than a bunch of worn out angry teachers?  Our students deserve teachers who are inspired, not tired.  Our students deserve to learn in ways that best meet their needs, and I can tell you that has not been the case in my classroom simply because I do not have the time to do all that is expected.  What's that you say?  Prioritize? Eliminate the unnecessary?  When you are told they are all expected, and then you are given deadlines to submit data that proves you are following through on the requirements, how do you prioritize?

I have to do lesson plans and gather my resources each week or my kids won't be taught what they need to learn.  If you're a teacher, you know lesson planning is no easy task.  You're not just planning for the whole group; you have to plan for small groups and individual students.  If you have special needs students, you may have to plan how you will modify lessons or what accommodations a student will need to learn the material.  I have to plan assessments that are aligned to the standards, or how do I know that they are learning what they're supposed to learn?  I have to update my website and respond to parent e-mails to keep parents informed and involved.  If I want to keep my job, I have to have a certain number of professional development and/or responsibility hours.  I have to have a data wall, so administration can see my class' short term goals and outcomes.  I have to attend staff meetings, or I may miss out on learning of a new requirement and be docked on my evaluation for my lack of professionalism.  The list really is endless!  How many people do you know that take a personal day from work to get caught up on work?  I'm sure more than just teachers, but it shouldn't have to be this way.  What do you think about teachers taking a personal day to conduct parent/teacher conferences because they have so many students they won't be able to fit all of the conferences in to the time given?  This is happening folks.

So, what do I do when my leave of absences ends?  Run far away from teaching? Find a new school in a new district in the hopes of finding my mojo?  Stay on at my current school and fight for changes?  Look into the charter or private arena?  I think I know what I must do, but I still plan to pray about it.  I know that God will lead me in the right direction as usual.  I just have to be sure to quiet my brain long enough to hear His word.  

Please feel free to share your feelings about teaching, teachers, education, God, life...in the comments.  If you have any solutions for me, I am wiiiiiiiiide open!

Random Thoughts

I should be going to bed since I can barely keep my eyes open at 8:53 PM, but I have a lot on my mind.  Maybe if I write them down, then I can sleep peacefully.

1. I want to punch teething in the junk.

2. Grocery shopping is depressing.

3. Genevieve has such a silly personality; we have a lot of fun together each day.

4. I don't want to go back to teaching.

5. I want to go back to teaching.

6. I had such a huge fear of babies choking, but I am slowly overcoming my OCD about that.

7. Jeremy takes G to Starbucks every Saturday for a couple of hours.  They watch the birds and visit with the baristas and strangers that approach.  I love this time.  Usually I do chores; once I took the time to blow dry and flat iron my hair, and another time I went to Hobby Lobby.

8. I desperately want to be crafty, but I'm really not.

9. The Mom's group I joined is filled with some great women who lift my spirits each week.

10. Every time I have prayed for Genevieve's hiccups to stop so that she may eat and find rest, they have stopped within seconds of saying Amen.  That might not make you a believer, but it surely solidified my believe in Jesus and the intercessory work of his mother, Mary.   (p.s. I don't pray every time she gets hiccups, but this has happened enough times that there is no way it's a coincidence.)

11. Being a mom is hard.

12. Being a mom is easier than I thought it would be.

13. I really want some pizza followed by ice cream, but my tummy might hate me if I do that when I'm ready to reintroduce dairy.

14. Genevieve would not let me put her down in the bassinet last night after her first wake up.  I had to rock her to sleep in the family room like I used to do months ago.  After failing to get her to sleep in the bassinet once again, I laid her down on our bed where she happily drifted off to dreamland.  She hogged the bed all night.

15. Before I had Genevieve, I didn't think I would ever co-sleep/bedshare.

16. I dearly love bedsharing, but I also like that Genevieve starts the night in her bassinet.

17. We are meeting with Genevieve's therapists tomorrow.  I hope they recognize the progress she's made, but I also hope that it's not so much that they greatly scale back her therapy.

18. I really want to place an order with a wholesale company that sells girls clothing and accessories, but they are out of stock on almost everything I want!!!

19. I love being home for Genevieve's firsts.  I would hate to have missed any of these moments with my angel.

20. Though I get misty eyed thinking about not having had a natural birth, I don't really get misty eyed over the fact that I had a Cesarean birth.  I wish I could've had amazing birth photos and a different experience with my husband and our daughter, but the experience I had was positive on so many levels.  I now wonder if other women are getting to do skin to skin with their babies in the OR because of me.

21. Before Genevieve, Pawncho was my baby.  Now I sometimes want to kill him.  Those times usually occur if I am worried he'll wake the baby...like last night.  I finally got her to sleep, and he gets on the bed and starts meowing and walking up and down right next to the baby!!  Seriously cat?!

22. I like Pampers diapers.

23. My husband is a good man, but he is still a man.

24. When I think about the one that got away, I am thinking about the scorpion in my garage last week.

25. I love breastfeeding, but I wish I had been able to build up a supply of pumped milk.  I haven't needed it, but it would be nice to have a little stored.

26. Final thought - why does my stomach always start to growl when I am ready to go to sleep?  I guess I'll grab some grapes before I make my way to bed.

Pooped

I actually started composing this post last night, but I just didn't like the flow.  Plus, I was beyond tired.  Tonight I'm even more tired, but at least I only had to edit the post.  I intended to write a few brief sentences, but it morphed into a much, much longer story.  My high school English teacher once said I was too wordy in my writing.  I can see that not much has changed.  

I don't know why I am always wondering why I'm so "pooped" by 8:00 each night.  I'm going to guess it's because I am Genevieve's life.  All.  Day.  Long.

Each morning she wakes around 6:30, and she is ready to play.  I change her diaper, and then she poops.  It's a fun game we like to play.  I'm sure all of you moms know the game. After that we head to the family room (Daddy is still sleeping) to roll around and play with toys.  G is very happy when she first wakes up and is so much fun to play with.  She's full of smiles and laughter and is motivated to work on rolling.  Yesterday she started making this really funny face.  She lays on her belly, lifts herself up with her arms, and scrunches up her face.  We both just laugh and laugh.

After about an hour of burning calories, Genevieve is ready for breakfast.  A good signal for me is her loss of interest in her toys and this little whine she does.  It drives me bonkers!  She eats a little and then wants to sit up.  Once sitting, she reaches for anything nearby - a burp cloth, remote control, my phone, etc.  If nothing is within reach, she will try with all of her might to escape my evil clutches.  This includes attempting to roll down my legs off of the couch.  Sometimes she is content to just rub her hands and feet on the couch and throw pillows.  After about 3 attempts to get her to eat more, she is off and running, er, rolling for her toys again.

Once Genevieve has been awake for about an hour and 45 minutes, I attempt to get her to nap.  Sometimes I need to start sooner and sometimes later.  This will involve a diaper change and nursing her to sleep with white noise playing, which usually takes around 45 minutes.  I transition her to the play yard to sleep, where she will usually sleep for an hour and a half.  She's come a long way since she was a baby, uh, a younger baby.  I use this time to eat breakfast and do any dishes leftover from the previous day.  I also might do a load of laundry or another chore.  Sometimes, though, poop gets in the way of a good nap.  If she has to poop and can't, there's no sleeping.  If she poops while sleeping, she wakes up.  

Once she's awake, we basically repeat the previous activities.  We continue working on rolling over her left arm from her tummy, and we've added learning how to get into and out of a sitting position.  I have to do neck stretches daily for her torticollis (both passive and active stretches), and this involves some trickery for her cooperation.  I can usually be seen dangling a toy from my mouth or making strange noises and faces as seen below.

If all goes well, Genevieve will take another hour and a half nap in her play yard in the afternoon.  When she wakes, we repeat previous activities, but we may do them in a different room.  Sometimes I put her in her swing while I prep dinner, and if it gets cloudy enough, we take a walk.  Today I put her in the Peanut Shell sling for the first time (Thanks for lending this to me, Jenny!).  She seemed to enjoy it, but I definitely need to put it on better next time.  She really needs one more short nap in the late afternoon, but she fights it fiercely.  From about 4:00 until I start the nursing to sleep process (6:45ish), her nickname is whiny boo boo.  Did I mention how the whining drives me bonkers?

When J gets home anywhere from 6-6:40, he's in charge of entertaining her (if he gets home before 6:45). I will serve up his dinner while he plays with G.  I get myself and the bedroom ready for bedtime (night light, white noise), and J puts on a nighttime diaper. Well, actually, he puts one on the baby.  Some nights I feel like I need a nighttime diaper because going to the bathroom with a baby attached to you isn't that doable.  I digress...

J making G happy by whistling

Once G is ready, I will sometimes read her a bedtime story.  Other nights she is beyond tired and won't even sit through the first short page.  Then it's off to nurse.  G eats for a bit on the left side and then falls asleep.  Once she rouses, she will eat on the right.  After sleep nursing for around an hour, she will finally roll over and go to sleep.  I scoop her up and gently place her in her play yard.  Most of the time she stays asleep or wakes briefly and goes right back to sleep.  Other times, like last night, she cries and won't sleep.  If that happens, I have to rock her to sleep for about 5 minutes before placing her in the play yard.  Some nights G will sleep for a couple of hours and then need to have her back patted for a minute to help her go back to sleep.  Other times, she will need to be nursed and then won't go back in her play yard no matter what.  One night she slept for 5 straight hours in her play yard and I got to sleep in any position I wanted!  I swear I heard angels sing.

I am usually so tired by the time Genevieve is asleep that I can't function to do anything productive.  Instead I upload pictures to Facebook, read or watch TV.  I really don't know how I'm going to go back to working full time.  I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I Hope You Dance

My darling Genevieve,

It's hard to believe that you've been mine for 6 whole months already.  That's half a year!  Everyone says how time will fly by.  They tell you to cherish this time and not waste it.  I've been trying my best, sweet girl, to make sure every moment counts - even the ones where you poop immediately after I just changed your diaper.  I find that to be a very awesome talent.

So much has changed about you and about our relationship.  I am amazed every day at how you respond to me and things in your environment.  If you want something you go after it...except if it seems too hard.  We're working on perseverance.  You are developing likes and dislikes.  You have some favorite toys and some toys you could really care less about.  You even seem to prefer certain books (Skippyjon Jones Shape Up and Red Hat Green Hat).  Maybe that's because Mommy prefers certain books.  You like to be held by women mostly and tend to cry when men pick you up, even Grandpa Seaney.  I think it's true that you can sense evil.  (Kidding boys.)

You are figuring out the world around you.  You like to touch everything!!  You will stop nursing so you can feel the burp cloth, my shirt, my skin, your helmet, the couch, the pillows, etc.  If a phone or camera are nearby, you will try to grab them.  You roll yourself to the DVDs daily and push them back.  You love watching Pawncho, and today, you tried to roll to him.  You got distracted by the sound of your feet kicking against the ground while lying on your belly, so by the time you got to where the kitty was, he had already moved to the opposite side of the room.  You drank from Mommy's water bottle with some help on Sunday because you figured out exactly where to place your mouth.  You are very observant and love to watch Mommy and Daddy eat and drink.  You roll to Daddy's plate when it's on the ground, and a couple of times you've put your hand in his food.  You swipe Daddy's glasses right off his face almost every day!  When will he learn?  I guess the same time I learn how powerful your grip is on my hair.   

You are such a big girl!  Today I discovered that I have to adjust your car seat straps because you are too tall for their current setting.  I can't wait to find out how tall you are at your 6 month well check on Tuesday!  Every night I nurse you to sleep.  You always decide when you're done eating and ready for sleep.  You close your eyes and simply cuddle up against me, limbs limp from all the hard work they've done during the day (push ups, toy grabbing, rolling over). Once asleep, I scoop you up and put you in your play yard.  You stay where I put you much of the time, or you roll yourself up against the mesh side to sleep all snug.  You are sleeping 2-4 hours there before I bring you to bed with Daddy and I.  You used to nurse quite frequently during the night, but now you only wake up once or twice.  Your eyes don't even open.  You also don't eat for very long before drifting off to sleep where I imagine you dream of getting to eat solid food soon.

My precious Genevieve, nothing gives me more pleasure than seeing you smile and hearing your laughter.  I do whatever I can each day to have both of those things happen frequently.  I hate hearing you whine and cry, which you do when you are tired, hungry, bored or frustrated.  I try to make sure none of those things happen, but they are inevitable as the world stretches you to your limits some days.  You are such an easy baby (except for nap time), and it takes very little effort to redirect you if you have reached your fussy point and we aren't in a place to immediately meet your needs.  We can walk you around, have you look in the mirror, make silly faces/sounds, give you a new toy or something to feel or chew, or we can simply meet your needs (i.e. a diaper change, a feeding, or sleep).

There are so many more things I can write to you and about you, but it is getting late my love.  I am blessed each day that I wake up to your silly sounds and smiling face.  I love how you grab my face and bit my chin.  I love how you are comforted when I hold you.  I love how your face lights up when you see your Dad.  I love how you've made me a better person in the short time you've been on Earth.  Happy half birthday!

Love,
Your mamamamama

p.s.  I hope you dance, baby girl.

   

   

Food, Glorious Food!

A wise woman once said to a friend who then told me that she "eats to live rather than lives to eat."  At the time, being at least 30 pounds overweight, I didn't get this.  Oh I knew what it meant.  I just couldn't understand the discipline needed to live this way.  Many, many years later, I learned about eating healthy, but I still lived to eat much of the time.  During breakfast I was already thinking about what I was going to have for lunch.

When I became pregnant I didn't take that as a free for all time where I could eat whatever (well, I thought about it for a good, long minute).  I still tried to eat healthy, but I certainly didn't feel bad about that pizza or ice cream (or 50,000 egg and cheese sandwiches) I ate.  As a nursing mother, I figured I'd continue down the same path.  My lactation consultant said that I shouldn't have to modify my diet, as long as it was healthy.  My milk would become flavored by what I ate, and it would help G get used to different flavors.

I will never forget a difficult night around the time G was three weeks old.  She wouldn't stop crying.  She had a clean diaper and a full belly.  We were bouncing her and rocking her thinking she just needed to sleep.  I consulted The Baby Book by Dr. Sears.  It was kind of like our baby Bible early on.  When G started to toot, I consulted the section on gas.  J and I bicycled her legs and massaged her belly, and after awhile it seemed to help a bit.  This may have been the night I sent J out to get gas drops, but unfortunately they were fresh out.  He brought home some gripe water, so we gave it a shot.  I didn't notice that it helped in the least bit.

As I often do, I began researching what could be causing my daughter such discomfort.  She was crying out in her sleep, but not the usual sleep crying.  She was tossing her head back and forth and kicking her legs.  Pitiful little toots would escape her bum, and she would relax and go back to sleep.  This happened all night long every single night.  I should also mention that her poo was not that of typical breast fed babies.  This changed around the 6 or 7 week mark.  Instead of lovely mustardy-yellow poo we were getting slimy, green poo.    
   
 It turns out that the #1 culprit in all of this is cow's milk protein.  Apparently, babies often cannot digest the proteins until their gut is more developed.  No more milk for this mama.  That meant a lot more than just no milk.  It meant no ice cream, cheese, yogurt or anything made with whey, casein or at least 10 other milk based products that are in so many foods.  Though J was doubtful about this solution, he couldn't argue much when G got seemingly better after only three days of me being dairy free.  On the 4th day, I ate some ice cream.  I felt horrible for the pain I put my daughter through that night and the next day.  I knew I had to give up dairy, and I thought it would be the hardest thing.  It was until I discovered another food intolerance.  Corn.

Corn is in everything in some form.  It has been a nightmare trying to find ready made products or packaged foods that are corn free and dairy free.  After discovering a tree nut intolerance, I almost lost it.  I think eggs are okay, but the jury's still out on wheat.  I have my good days and my bad days with food.  I hate cooking, but now I hate it even more because I feel so limited.  I feel bad that J has to have such a limited variety of dinners because I just don't know what to make, and there is no way I have the time or the desire to make two separate meals.  We have spent so much money on food because all I can really eat is chicken, turkey, fruits, vegetables, rice and quinoa.  Produce is expensive, especially when it's organic!

My daughter's comfort and health have been well worth the dietary restrictions.  I keep reminding myself that this will be such a short period in time compared to the rest of our lives.  Two years will go by so quickly, and I may even be able to reintroduce some foods before G is weaned.  It has never been easier to pass up a slice of pizza or a trip to Cold Stone Creamery.  Going from making very few things completely from scratch to having to make most meals completely from scratch is quite a change (and a challenge with a baby to keep me busy).

I now fully understand eating to live and not living to eat.

p.s. J told me tonight that he is trying to break his chai latte habit, so we can put that money towards healthy foods for me.  That's altruism if I ever encountered it.             
        

The Journey to Motherhood

Everyone tells you how much babies change your life but for the better.  I never understood that.  I guess that's because I was never a baby person.  I didn't know how to handle babies or what to do with them.  I didn't get too goo goo ga ga over them, and never reached out and snatched up one of my friends' babies.  I was always content to just sit back and observe.  I now understand that it was my anxiety disorder interfering.  I don't love being the center of attention, especially around people I don't know too well.  If you have a baby, let's face it, you will be the center of attention even if you are only in the background of that center.  I didn't want people watching my ineptitude with babies, so I would only hold a baby if someone offered and then not for too long.

It was this same anxiety that held me back from having a child myself.  J and I married in 1997, and I always just assumed that we'd have kids eventually.  I think J did too, but we always seemed to have some excuse, albeit valid excuses in our minds, to put it off until later.  First we had to finish college.  Then we had to get established in our careers.  Then we had to do this, that and the other thing.  Our friends started having babies, but we were just content with our lives as a couple.  One day a few years ago, J tells me that he wants to have a baby.  Wait a second, I thought.  In a matter of years we went from J not wanting to have kids and me trying to understand why to him wanting us to have a baby.  How did that happen?!

It seems our rolls had reversed.  It was now J doing the convincing.  I wasn't sure I had what it took to be a good mom.  I felt very inadequate and anxious about the whole idea of motherhood.  All kinds of thoughts began to take up space in my mind.  I'm not good with babies.  I'm too selfish.  I won't know what to do.  What if it chokes?  Can we just adopt a 6 year old?

Everywhere I went I felt bombarded with messages of motherhood.  Messages were evident in church homilies, songs on the radio, and even a favorite comedian's stand up act.  God was speaking loud and clear, but I was choosing to ignore his will for my life.  I was too scared, and I let that fear control so much of my life.  I knew I needed outside help, but I kept putting it off.

I finally decided to take the leap in July 2010.  That's right folks, I saw a therapist.  Okay, we also started trying to have a baby.  The therapist told me that I have generalized anxiety disorder that is brought on by my perfectionism.  I tried to tell her that I am not a perfectionist, and she tried to convince me otherwise.  After four wonderful visits with my therapist, I was ready to really work on myself.  There were a lot of changes happening, but one of them was not an expanding belly.  Things just weren't happening.  By October I wanted to stop trying.  I was too stressed and unsure if I was making the right choice.  One night, I spent some extra time in prayer, and I remember telling God that it is all in his hands.  I never realized how freeing it could be to give yourself over to the will of God, but that's exactly what I did.  I quit trying to plan the baby.  I felt that if it was supposed to happen it would, and it would happen in God's time, not mine.

I quit thinking about having a baby and trying to make sure it would be born at a time that would work well for my school schedule.  Wouldn't you know, that's when I found out I was pregnant.  It's funny how these things work.  I let go of my will, and God makes everything fall into place just the way it's supposed to be.  Thanks God.  I need to have more faith in you.