Genevieve 101

My sister Rachel bought me a calendar for Genevieve's first year.  I was so great about writing down little observations, and at the end of the month I would fill in things she was learning, doing, saying, her sleeping and eating patterns, and her favorite toys.  I made a lot of entries until Genevieve was close to one year.  I have a few entries for January, but the whole month of February is blank!  I added a few in March, but I did not make note of her development at the ends of the months.  I thought I'd make a few blog posts about what's going on with my little monkey.  I'm going to try to come up with 101 observations, but we'll see how that goes!

Since her calendar entries are written to Genevieve, I'm going to follow the same pattern here.



1. You wake up happy and ready to go every morning unless, for some odd reason, Mommy has to wake you up.  That is very rare!

2. You have 11 teeth and are working on your 12th, your top, left molar.  I thought you were getting your eye teeth, but I'm not so sure now.

3. You love to dance!  Whenever you hear music, you have to move your body in some way (even in the checkout line at Wal-Mart).  You bounce up and down as if you are doing mini squats.  You shuffle your feet.  You occasionally clap your hands.  Mama and Dada love every second of it!

4. Daddy showed you how to make your stuffed animals dance, and now you do it on your own.  You are a funny kid.

5. You love playing with your baby doll.  You put her in her stroller.  You give her her bottle, and make drinking sound effects, and you carry her around.  Sometimes, you hug and kiss her, and once you gave her to me to nurse.  That was hilarious!

6. You are a good eater.  Right now you love broccoli, green beans, peas, and bananas.  You will tolerate a few bites of sweet potatoes, but you are rather sick of them.  You like apples, but they are not your favorite.

7.  I think you have issues with the texture of foods.  You will not eat eggs.  I've made them fried, and I've scrambled them.  At least you tried them, but you usually spit them right back out.  You also won't eat pancakes, and I don't think it's because they are gluten free.  You did at least swallow one piece.

8.  Going in your jogging stroller with Mom and Dad at night is one of your favorite activities.  You talk and make animal noises throughout the ride.  You love it when we give you the water bottle.  You wrap your legs around it, take drinks, and play with the spout - open, close, open, close.

9.  You are obsessed with animals right now!  You only want to read books with animals in it, and you make lots of animal sounds.

10.  You know the sounds for elephant (complete with raising your hand like an elephant's trunk compliments of Daddy), monkey, dog, kitty, lion, tiger, and cow.  You can also identify these animals in books and in real life.

11.  You are a good napper, thank the Lord.  We change your diaper and put your sleep sack on.  You pick out a story, and Mama reads it to you in the glider rocker.  Then you put the book back on your shelf like a good helper, turn out your light, shut your door, turn your white noise on, and nurse to sleep.  Mama lays you down in your crib, where you'll sleep for an hour and a half.

12.  We do the same routine for bedtime, but we brush your teeth and kiss Daddy good night before reading a story.  We also skip the sleep sack since you have jammies on.

13.  You are pretty good at church.  You like to shake and sometimes tear the song sheet.  You stand on the seats and look at the people behind us.  Usually people comment on how entertaining you were to them during mass.  You sometimes dance to the music, and you've just now started trying to escape by walking away.  You are mostly content to let me hold you when we stand up.

14.  You have figured out how to make the water come out of the water cooler.  The first time you did it, you were very surprised.  I had you help me clean up the water that was all over the floor.

15.  Now that you know how the water cooler works, you like to bring your cups there and try to fill them.  Mama usually helps you.

16.  You prefer to drink from cups or Mommy or Daddy's water bottles.  You are not so great at drinking from cups because you get in too big of a hurry, making the water pour all down your front.

17.  You are always constipated.  I wish you would have normal poops, but they always look like big rabbit poops.

18.  When Daddy comes home from work, you get so excited.  As soon as your hear the beeps from the alarm, you say, "Dada".  Then you stop whatever you are doing and walk to greet him.  You make him feel ten feet tall, and you make mama's heart melt when the two of you hug.

19.  You are testing things out right now.  You throw things on the ground, say "uh oh" and then look at Daddy or me.  You hit your fork on your high chair tray or plate.  You spill your water on the ground or on your high chair tray.  You pull on electrical cords and steal our phones.  Testing, testing, testing our reactions (and our patience at times).

20.  You wave and say "hi".  You also just started saying "Mama", and you use it quite frequently.  You say Dada, uh oh, ow, oh, u(p), down, and it sounded like you said thank you yesterday.

21.  You make signs for more, all done, bath, please (and you've figured out this gets you what you want most of the time), eat, and milk.

22.  You know how to kick things, but you're not very good at it.  Sometimes you end up missing entirely or just stepping on the object you were trying to kick.

23.  You just learned how to spin around.  When Mommy says "spin", you will do it.

24.  Mommy taught you how to wash your hands.  You rub them together quite nicely, and then Mommy helps you get the tops.

25.  You have your Mommy's hair.  We aren't sure the color, but the texture is all mine.  You have a few curls in the back, which we think are adorable.  As for the color, sometimes it looks golden.  Other times it looks brown or reddish.  You have blond eyebrows though.  Hmmmmm....

When I can, I will add another 25 things.  It might be awhile, but I'm sure I can think of them!   

I am a Stay at Home Mom.

It’s official!  I submitted my letter of resignation a month ago, and I received confirmation of receipt from the school district.  Getting to this point has been an interesting process and one I thought I’d share with y’all…at least a little bit. This whole past year has been kind of a trial run and a huge learning experience in many ways.    

When I was around 20 weeks pregnant, I seriously began thinking about how in the world I would continue working at the pace I was and have a baby at home to care for.  I knew my priorities would shift once the baby arrived, but my anxiety kicked into high gear.  I struggled with the thought that I wouldn’t be able to be the teacher I wanted to be because I would be the mother I needed to be. I started talking to J about taking more than 6-8 weeks of maternity leave.  He wasn’t too keen on this idea, but eventually I convinced him (with the help of my mother in law and her sister) to let me take the rest of the school year off.   It took a little longer to convince him that I should take a year leave of absence, but once Genevieve arrived, there was no question we had made the right decision. 

I am so thankful to have had the time to learn how to be a mother, though I’m also thankful that it seemed to happen more naturally than I expected.  I have learned a lot about cooking and cleaning, and I take pride in having time to do both of those things now. Some days though, I feel like I am not cut out for staying home.  My house is a mess, and dinner isn’t always ready when J gets home from work.  In fact, some days I have to call him and tell him to pick something up.  I’ve had to learn that that’s just part of life with an infant/toddler.  I’ve had to learn to be gracious with myself, but still the doubt creeps in.  I wonder if someone else would teach G more than I can – someone who knows more about baby development.  On the flip side of that is the fact that no one knows my daughter as well as I do, so who better to teach her? 

I have worried a lot about not contributing financially.  I’ve worked since I was 16, so it was strange to not be making any money.  J assured me that my job was to tend to the needs of our daughter, and if there was time in my day, then I could tend to the needs of our household.  He told me that I had the harder of our two jobs.  (Did I mention that I love this guy?)  When Genevieve was around eight months old, J said, “How in the world are you going to go back to teaching?!”  I assured him that lots of women do it, and they make it work.   I still wasn’t sure if staying at home was right for our family, though I felt it was where I needed to be.

Some time in January, J told me that the decision to stay home or go back to work was up to me.  At that point I knew I wanted to stay home, so I told him so.  He said, “Well, let’s wait until after G’s allergy testing.”  Oooooookay.  Now I felt like he was wanting me to go back to work.  To make a long story short, we had a lovely talk on our date night on March 1st.  J informed me that he felt as though I wanted to go back to work as to not “waste my degrees” and because he knew how much I love being a teacher.  I told him that if we can make it work, that I would prefer to stay home, especially since Genevieve has so many food allergies.  I only made it seem like I was okay with going back because I thought that’s what J wanted.  It’s a good thing we were finally given time to talk!  We agreed that I would continue staying home for as long as I wanted and for as long as it makes sense for our family.  I do see myself teaching again one day in some capacity (other than teaching my own children), but I am so thankful for this time with my daughter.  Teaching will always be there.    

Kisses

For the longest time, J and I have been trying to get Genevieve to give us kisses.  We model on her.  We model with each other, which creates the funniest faces from G.  We give her ample time to practice, but kisses to her usually mean the sound made when calling the cat. 

Earlier this week as I was making dinner in the kitchen, J was playing with Genevieve in the family room.  He let out a loud, boisterous laugh, so naturally I asked him what caused such a reaction.  He said G gave him a kiss!  We knew it would happen one day, and that day had finally come.  Sadly, there was no repeat performance. 

Yesterday it was my turn.  G and I were playing, and I asked her for a kiss.  She obliged with a mouth open touching my face kind of action.  A kiss!  I can't even begin to explain the rush of love that raced through my body.  She indulged me several more times throughout the day but ignored her father's requests that evening. 

Today, my birthday of all days, she was disinterested in giving kisses.  J tried to coax one from her when he got home from work.  I told him not to feel bad because she hadn't given me a single one all day.  I was nursing Genevieve to sleep, and she was acting very restless and silly.  At one point she was repeatedly hitting me as she nursed.  She kept getting on and off, so finally I put her milk away.  She kept making the eat sign and pointing at my chest (she refused to make the milk sign anymore).  I obliged after the third frantic request for more milk.  After a few sips, she put her hands on my shoulders, pulled herself up to her knees, and gave me a kiss on my cheek.  I laughed, and Genevieve threw her head back in laughter.  It almost seemed like a thank you for giving in to her request.  Of course since her kiss garnered such a positive response, she kept doing it.  She kissed my nose, my mouth, my cheek again.  I kissed her, which made her squeal. 

Sometimes I get frustrated that getting Genevieve to fall asleep takes so much time and effort, but tonight I was reminded of the worth of that time and effort.  I laid her in her crib where she quickly and soundlessly drifted off to sleep. 

[Okay, okay.  I made that last part up.  Here is the reality if you so desire:  I laid her in her crib where she didn't even make a fuss.  Progress.  I rested my hand on her, and she held on to it.  She kept kicking her feet and moving around a bit.  She stuck her arms and legs through the slats to touch me.  She got one foot stuck, and I had to help her get it back into the crib.  I could see that she wasn't going to fall asleep this way because she is a stomach and side sleeper.  I asked her if she'd like to be on her belly and then flipped her over, patted her back a little, and rested my hand on her as she shifted her body several times trying to get comfortable.  I took my hand away and waited.  She continued to move her legs.  I waited for the cry.  When it didn't come after a minute or two, I quietly left the room.  About two minutes later I heard the cry.  I waited to see if she'd settle, and she did in less than a minute.  Another two minutes pass, and she cries again.  She does this sometimes as she's trying to get to sleep.  She was quiet after less than two minutes, so I didn't go in to comfort her.  Her sleep has improved greatly, and I am thankful for her rest and my time to get things done and fill my own bucket.]  

Sacrifice??

I have been meaning to make another post for a week now because there are so many "Genevieveisms" that I want to share, but I decided to put that on hold to write a vent post just for me.  This one is related to this post about teaching. 

So I received "the call" today.  I've been expecting it, though I was still surprised by it.  The district is beginning staffing procedures and needs to know of my intent to return or not return to the position being held for me.  I know what I want to do, but I don't know if that's what I'll be able to do.  Okay, on to my vent!

I mentioned before that I love teaching and am passionate about it.  It's just too bad that the public school powers that be are sucking that passion right out of me.  They just won't let me do what I've been trained to do in a way that is effective for my students.  Instead, I have to read directly from the teacher guidebooks.  Talk about snoozefest!  For example, "they" want you to differentiate your instruction but then give you a workbook that is the same for every kid.  "They" give you 18 books divided into three levels to use for reading instruction.  That would be great if I had only 18 students and they all fit neatly into those three levels!  What about the kid who begins first grade not knowing all of his/her letters?  What about the kid who starts first grade reading at a 2nd grade level?  Should I be having them read "Sam ran up the bag.  Sam ran down the bag.  Go Sam.  Go!"  Puh-lease! 

How in the world am I going to lesson plan, prep materials, grade student work, enter grades in the online grading system, update my website regularly, schedule parent volunteers, communicate with parents, do report cards, attend parent/teacher conferences, attend early morning staff meetings, and attend 20 hours of professional development outside of school hours in addition to my family responsibilities, which come first, of course?  I know lots of people do it either because they have to or because they love teaching/having a career THAT much.  I get it.  I do. I just am bitter about what has happened to public education, and I don't like being made to feel as though I am never doing enough even when I work 60 hours a week.  I can't do that now that I have my precious Genevieve.  I won't do that now, so I am already going in knowing that in the eyes of my administration, I will not be a good enough teacher.  That bums me out.   

I think it will be interesting to see my evaluation scores next year.  On a rubric system with 5 being the highest and 1 being the lowest, I started my career with mostly threes and a couple of twos.  By my fourth year of teaching, having received a ton of support from amazing teachers and administrators (Debbie, Lynn, Tina, Suzanne, Rebecca, Jenny, Leisa, Dawn, Beth, & Dr. C.), I was receiving mostly fours and fives.  When I switched schools I went back down to threes and maybe a two and a four thrown in for good measure.  To be fair, it was a new rubric system at my new school and different people evaluating me, but I really had to prove myself.  By the time I left for my maternity leave, I was receiving nearly all fours with fives either being eliminated or unattainable.  I don't really remember that darn rubric!  I guess what I'm trying to say is, I will be curious if I go back to receiving twos simply because my priorities have shifted, the art of teaching has been ripped away from me, and there is new administration.  I'll fill you in after my first eval.!  You might feel that these evaluations don't matter.  I try to tell myself that, but then again, I have checked out both of these titles from the library: Anxious to Please and The Pursuit of Perfect.  If you must know, and haven't figured it out from the book titles, I am trying to overcome my need to please and am dealing with my perfectionism. 

I am hoping that when (IF) it's time for me to return to work, Genevieve will be sleeping longer than 2 hours in a row at night.  Oh God, please let this be so!  I don't know how people go to work after more than a year of not sleeping longer than 4 hours in a row (and 4 hours in a row has only happened a handful of times).  I hate playing the "what if" game, but...What if Genevieve has true allergies to all of these foods she's now "sensitive"?  I am going to have to make sure she has safe foods to take to daycare.  If I am able to continue breastfeeding, I am going to have to continue avoiding her allergens.  I'm not sure I can do that and work since I have to make everything from scratch.  Maybe she'll want to wean earlier anyway, so I know this could be totally irrelevant.  Remember this is kind of stream of consciousness writing. I would be sad to have to wean her before we are both truly ready.   

God knows best.  His plans are always better than our plans.  He has proven that to me time and time again, so I just have to remember to pray to and rest in Him.  It is late, so I'm not even going to edit this before posting.  The perfectionist in me usually proofreads and waits until the next day to post.  I'm gonna be cah-razy now and hit the publish button!  

Slow Down Time

There is so much to update that I am not quite sure where to begin.  This should probably be three separate blog posts, but I'll  just type it all out at once.  You may need to take a few breaks. 

I guess I'll start with saying that my beautiful little girl is now 10.5 months old.  Her first birthday is fast approaching.  I am both excited and a little melancholy (you know, head like a melon, face like a collie).  I am excited to see what comes next and what the future holds, but I am melancholy at the fact that she's not such a baby any more.  Sometimes I wish I could slow down time.

Genevieve is eating more solid foods and drinking less milk (unless you count the fact that she often eats all night long as a comfort measure or because it's available).  Up until now she has liked/eaten everything we've put in front of her, even if it was in very small amounts.  She has now developed some preferences, and her behaviors during meal time, including breastfeeding, can be highly comical.  When nursing, she sometimes reaches up to pull my hair repeatedly - not in a mean way, but in a way that seems she is fascinated with it.  This is probably in large part because she herself has very little hair still.  She will also rub a foot on me or rub both feet on something that is nearby (a blanket, pillow, toy, etc.).  G hasn't bitten me since she got her first two teeth, and for that I am very thankful!

Genevieve's favorite food is meat, which for her is chicken and turkey.  She likes them both equally.  If I put meat on her tray with a fruit and/or vegetable, she will eat all of the meat first.  She really likes broccoli, but it makes her so gassy (as broccoli does) that we had to stop giving it to her; it was interfering with her nighttime sleep, and we already have enough sleep issues!  She has tried so many foods at this point, but I feel as though she's eaten less than other babies her age because of all of her food issues.  Her GI doctor recommended introducing one new food at a time still and waiting 7-10 days between foods.  We are on blueberries right now, and all seems well.  Genevieve has tried avocado, peas, green beans, carrots, parsnips, broccoli, yellow squash, butternut squash, pumpkin, zucchini, red, orange, and yellow bell peppers, potatoes, sweet potatoes, bananas, apples, peaches, pears, prunes, and plums.  G loves pears and used to eat peas, but this is where I now find them:

Peas thrown on the floor

We went through a wonder week several weeks ago.  If you don't know what a wonder week is, you can read a little more about them here. We were in week 46, and it was a doozy.  This blogger describes the mental leap well.  My normally happy baby who can play by herself for short periods of time was replaced by a fussy, clingy baby who only wanted to be held and FREAKED out if I left her sight for 10 seconds.  She also refused to go to sleep and thought it was time to play between the hours of 2:30 and 4:30 AM!!  We are now back to normal as she happily entertained herself with her play kitchen, a headband, and her high chair while I did dishes and made dinner.

Genevieve's receptive language is developing more each day, and it's so amazing for me to watch it unfold.  She knows ball, spoon, monkey, straw, drink, milk, Mama, Dada/Daddy, kitty, all done, and diaper.  We are working on up, more, book, bath, and loads of other things.  When I say, "Where's your ball?", she will look around to find it and get it.  Sometimes I tell her to go get something, and she will.  She says Dada frequently, but she also seems to know what it means.  She's trying to say diaper, but it sounds a lot like Dada.  She says "key" or "tee" for kitty, and that is the extent of her vocabulary at the moment.  She does say Mom/Mama on occasion, but it still usually happens when she's really sad and needs comforting.  Sometimes it sounds like she is saying all done, and her occupational therapist even noticed that one.  Once it sounded like she said hi, but she never repeated it.

"Where's your monkey?"

Genevieve knows how to get herself down from my lap and from the couch, and she got herself out of one of the cabinets without getting hurt.  She is not great at it and is certainly not graceful, but I feel so proud when I see her taking on these physical challenges.  She is able to walk with both of her push walkers but prefers the one our friends gave us because it plays music when you push a button.  G knows how to push the button to play the music and will stand up holding onto the walker and dance.  I love her dancing!  I also love her show of frustration at the end of the following video. 

Last week, Genevieve was standing up holding on to my shoulders as I was seated on the ground.  She let go for one second and had a look of nervous excitement on her face.  She did it two more times.  I don't know if I'm ready for her to be standing independently.  That means walking will follow, and Lord knows I'm not ready for that.  Well, maybe I am.  J keeps trying to help her stand on her own, but tonight, she had a death grip on his arms.  I guess she didn't like that game anymore.


We are still working on food issues and sleep issues, and I am now convinced the two go hand in hand.  She only has a bowel movement every 3-5 days and needs the help of prunes to go.  Then she will have about 4 bowel movements in one day, each involving straining, grunting, whining, crying, and panting.  What's funny is that they aren't hard like you would expect from constipation.  This was the exact scene from today in fact.  Unfortunately, there was also mucous and blood in some of the stools, so I have decided to lay off the wheat and vitamins, which I just started last week.  I am not sure which caused this reaction or if either one did.  I do think she reacted to eggplant I ate a couple of weeks ago, probably since it's related to the tomato, which cause major issues for my love.

Two nights ago, G would simply not fall asleep no matter what.  She was starting to fall asleep several times, so I know she was tired.  I don't think she was overtired because she had two great naps today.  Sure enough, she pooped, and then I was able to get her to sleep like normal.  She slept for two hours and then comfort nursed nearly every hour for the rest of the night.  The next night, I didn't get to sleep until 5 AM since the only way she would sleep is upright in my arms.  She didn't nurse as usual, so this tells me it's a reflux issue and not a habit or my fault for not sleep training her.  We have a follow up appointment with Geneveive's GI doc along with a nutritionist on March 11th.  That day can't come soon enough for me, and I really hope I get more from the doctor than for me to just keep doing what I'm doing.  It can't be normal to be eating things like peaches and pears with every meal and still not produce a bowel movement regularly.  I think I will just start doing prunes daily and see if that helps her.

Some days I feel really discouraged by not knowing what to do to help Genevieve.  I get wrapped up in the trials that I forget to enjoy it all.  It's hard not getting any breaks from a baby all day.  I had counted on having her nap times to get things done or recharge, but I didn't get the kind of baby who naps on her own regularly (please don't offer sleep training advice).  Sometimes she does give me 20 minutes.  She has been known to give me two hours, but I am so afraid she'll wake up that I still hardly get anything done!  It takes more than an hour and a half to get her to sleep at night, and that leaves no time for J and I to spend together, especially since she doesn't always stay asleep.  I'm not trying to complain here.  Okay, maybe I am.  It's my blog, and I'll do what I want.

I am just working to adjust my expectations.  That is hard for a perfectionist who wants to do it all, well, perfectly.  I want to help my baby be more comfortable.  I want to help her sleep better.  I want time for myself to shower, eat, cook, clean, etc.  I need time to myself to learn HOW to cook with all of my dietary restrictions.  I want time with my husband to strengthen our marriage.   (Anyone want to babysit??)  I get really down on myself for not having a cleaner home, especially since I am home almost all day every day, but I am trying to be more gracious with myself in all of these areas.  It's been a challenging, yet very blessed, 10.5 months.        

I need to remember to rest in the Lord.  It's all in His hands.  He will provide, and I know He has been teaching me some valuable lessons these past 10 1/2 months. 

In closing, I leave you with a song by one of my most favorite artists.


Staring at this empty canvas,
Waiting for the next stroke of my life.
It seems to go by so fast.
Another day I've wasted wondering,
How it all ends up instead of resting,
That it's all in Your hands.
My only piece is waiting before You.
My praise to You,
Drowning noise around me.

Chorus:
I wish I could slow down time,
I wish I could wait here at your feet.
'Cause with you is the only place that I wanna be.
I know I should take it all in stride.
I know you are there with every reach.
'Cause with you is the only place that I wanna be.

On my own I always fade out fast,
On the run my every step will last.
I'm resting in your words that never fail.
Your searching every part of me.
I need to stop so I could hear You speak.
I long for you so here I am so thirsty.
My only piece is waiting before You.
My praise to You,
Drowning the noise around me.

(Chorus)

It's where I wanna be,
The greatness of your presence always leaving me here speechless.
I've given up on making this life my home.
In the fullness of your glory is beyond my comprehension.
There's no greater joy then being with you my King.

Grateful

I figured it was about time (or past time) for another blog entry.  My little girl has been keeping me quite busy, but I was able to escape her clutches sneak away from her peacefully sleeping form this evening, which is a rare occurrence.  I want to start by saying how grateful I am for my daughter.  She is a blessing in my life, and one that I will not take for granted.  Though I would prefer she didn't wake every hour and a half, I am thankful that I have her here to wake every hour. and. a. half.  I can't imagine my life without her, and I am saddened by the recent loss of lives in Newtown, CT, especially the children.

Genevieve has been amazing me with her learning these days.  She crawls like a maniac and wants to stand up every chance she can get!  With enough motivation, she will cruise along furniture and walls.  If she's not motivated to get a particular object, she will lower herself to the ground ever so gingerly, crawl to the object, and then stand back up to grab it before again lowering herself to the ground.  I am never sure what to expect from this child!

G has been using the kitchen chairs and her high chair as walkers.  She holds on to them and walks with them as they scoot across the kitchen, coming to a halt as they hit a table, wall or other chair.  She is trying to figure out the water cooler.  She has the right idea about how to get the water to come out, but she hasn't yet been able to push the lever hard enough to dispense the water.  Thank goodness!!

  Last week she figured out how to open the kitchen cabinets.  J thinks I'm going to put the cabinet locks on, but I keep holding out hoping he will get around to it.  For now, we have chairs placed up against several doors blocking her entrance (a la Uncle Paul style).  One cabinet has been designated Genevieve's, and so far, she has done well with redirection.

 

Friday we went to Sprouts to do a little grocery shopping, and she waved at everyone who passed us by.  Of course they thought G was so cute, and they waved and smiled, which only made her more excited to apply this new skill.  She also understands the word no, though she doesn't always follow our directions.  Tonight, in fact, I said no to her when she was trying to open a kitchen cabinet that I didn't want her in.  She sat back on her bottom, put her hands to her jawline and made her "fit face".  That baby cracks me up!       

Genevieve also has the right idea about drinking from a cup.  If sitting upright, though, she doesn't tip her head back enough to get the liquid up to her mouth.  If slightly reclined, she is a pro at cup drinking.  She ALWAYS tries to get our cups to the point of standing on her tip toes to reach things set far from her grasp.

She still loves music and can often be seen bobbing her head or shaking her booty.  She has also been known to clap and do this funny hand motion, which seems to be to the beat of the music.  Genevieve seems to understand the sign for milk and gets excited when I ask her if she wants some milk while making the sign.  Yesterday I said to G, "Where's Mama's nose?", and she grabbed my nose!  She still needs help finding her nose and Dada's nose, but mine is the larger of the three.  ;)  G also knows what I mean when I say the word bite.  She opens her mouth if she wants more, and she closes her mouth and turns her head away if she's done.  We are still working on the signs for more and all done/finished. 

Genevieve babbles a bunch, especially first thing in the morning!  She just wants to tell you ALL about her dreams.  I would have to say her first word was Dada followed by Mamama/Mama/Mom.  For quite some time she was just babbling those "words", but now she seems to be using them discriminately.  Mom and Mamama happens when she's sad or tired.  Dada happens alllll of the time.  Once it sounded like she said hi when I said hi to her, and sometimes I think she's trying to say kitty (key). She copies me when I try to call Pawncho over.  She makes the kissing noise and pats her hand on the ground.  I love it!

There is so much more I am probably forgetting, but these are the big things that stick out in my mind right now.   Geneveive amazes me every day, and I am grateful to her for teaching me new things and for getting me excited about life again.  I look forward to every single day now that I have her in my life.  I still wish I could sleep longer than an hour and a half at a time, but I will continue doing it as long as she needs me to.  Don't judge the dark circles, unruly eyebrows, or unkempt hair.       

My Passion

Teaching - what I do, what I love, who I am (Okay, so this last one doesn't really fit.  Get over it).

At the beginning of my maternity leave back in February, I couldn't wait to quit working.  I was so overwhelmed by my job requirements and looking forward to the new overwhelming job requirements of being a mom.  There was no way I would've been able to pull off both jobs at the same time, and I still don't know how I will do it when I go back.  That's right, when I go back, not if.  You see, I am passionate about teaching, and I can't imagine not being involved in the opening of young minds.  My mom once told me that teaching wasn't just a job to me; it was my calling.  She is right.  That being said, I am struggling with what to do come February when my district will request I let them know of my intentions.  Will I be returning to my previous position, applying for a different position, or giving up my contract for the following year?  These are the questions that have been weighing heavily on my mind.  What will I do?

To some, the decision would be easy.  My school is saving my job for me.  I can just slip right back in, and for those that are out of work, that may seem like a dream.  When I first submitted my paperwork for the leave of absence, it did seem like a dream.  Now, I'm wondering if it's a nightmare holding me back from something better.  I realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but lately I have been curious about the grass in other districts.  I have been researching.  It's what I do.

I know there isn't a perfect school out there for me.  A perfect school would give me time to learn something new and become more fluent in the new idea before asking me to take on two more new things.  A perfect school would tailor professional development to my individual needs.  I could use formative assessments and record few grades early on at a perfect school.  I would be respected by my administrators and recognized for the experience and knowledge I bring to the table. A perfect school would train teachers rather than relying on having its teachers teach directly from a teacher's guide.  I would love to be able to do what's truly best for kids and not just what would sound best to parents.  Please let me know if this school exists!

In the last 6 years I have been teaching at the same school, and there have been a lot of new things required of me.  Some were state requirements.  Some were district requirements.  Some were my individual school's requirements.  Many of them are good ideas and good for kids, but to take on so many things at once means I am not really proficient in any of them.  I am mediocre at best, and the perfectionist in me terribly hates being mediocre, especially when it comes to something about which I am passionate.  With all of these new things being thrown at me left and right, I felt like I was constantly treading water rather than moving forward to reach my goals.  I was in survival mode much of the time and was only functioning at the status quo level. The following is a sampling of the new things I have been required to take on.

* Differentiated Instruction (not really new to me, but was a buzz word my first year in the district)
* Formative Assessments (again, not new at all, but it was a new thing for my school)
* Backwards Design
* High Yield Strategies
* New Social Studies program (Harcourt)
* Thinking Maps
* Write From the Beginning (new writing program)
* New Math program (EnVision/Investigations - yay!!)
* Aerospace curriculum
* Bully Prevention program
* Pearson Successmaker
* PDSA
* Daily 5/CAFE (love!!)
* Smartboard Technology
* Jr. Great Books (awesome!)

I know there are others that I'm forgetting and still others that I didn't get involved in for one reason or another (i.e. Read Naturally and Accelerated Reader).  This year they received a new reading program, which I will have to learn and "use with fidelity" if I go back to my school.  I also heard they may be adopting a new math program when we've only had the other program for 5 years!!!  What?!

It's not that any one of these programs are bad, but to be expected to implement so many new things means they are not implemented well.  There are 15 items on my list which means there were at least two big new ideas each year and sometimes three.  Keep in mind that we have to learn about these new ideas and implement them in our lesson plans on top of all of the other things teachers do (regular lesson planning, staff meetings, curriculum night, gathering teaching resources, parent/teacher conferences, professional development hours, professional responsibility hours, before/during/after school duties, fundraisers, PTA meetings, etc.).  It's because of all of these new initiatives that teachers are ineffective in the classroom, burned out and suffering from low morale.

I often think back to my early days of teaching and how much I learned and grew as a teacher.  I had amazing mentors.  If you are reading this, thank you for helping me to be the teacher kids deserve.  I know that sounded conceited, but I feel strongly that my passion for teaching, my training, and my desire to continue learning make me a strong teacher.  I am saddened that I feel so burned out after only ten years of teaching, and I feel that I have not grown as much as I could have.  I'm not even going to blame the burnout on all of those Friday nights I was in the book room until 9 PM planning reading groups for the following week!  Blame goes to all of the things that have been piled on my plate in the last 6 years, many without proper support or follow through after the introduction.  If there was additional support the following year, it was often buried beneath piles of new curriculum or lost in the long line of e-mails regarding the latest and greatest "gimmick".  

Don't students deserve better than a bunch of worn out angry teachers?  Our students deserve teachers who are inspired, not tired.  Our students deserve to learn in ways that best meet their needs, and I can tell you that has not been the case in my classroom simply because I do not have the time to do all that is expected.  What's that you say?  Prioritize? Eliminate the unnecessary?  When you are told they are all expected, and then you are given deadlines to submit data that proves you are following through on the requirements, how do you prioritize?

I have to do lesson plans and gather my resources each week or my kids won't be taught what they need to learn.  If you're a teacher, you know lesson planning is no easy task.  You're not just planning for the whole group; you have to plan for small groups and individual students.  If you have special needs students, you may have to plan how you will modify lessons or what accommodations a student will need to learn the material.  I have to plan assessments that are aligned to the standards, or how do I know that they are learning what they're supposed to learn?  I have to update my website and respond to parent e-mails to keep parents informed and involved.  If I want to keep my job, I have to have a certain number of professional development and/or responsibility hours.  I have to have a data wall, so administration can see my class' short term goals and outcomes.  I have to attend staff meetings, or I may miss out on learning of a new requirement and be docked on my evaluation for my lack of professionalism.  The list really is endless!  How many people do you know that take a personal day from work to get caught up on work?  I'm sure more than just teachers, but it shouldn't have to be this way.  What do you think about teachers taking a personal day to conduct parent/teacher conferences because they have so many students they won't be able to fit all of the conferences in to the time given?  This is happening folks.

So, what do I do when my leave of absences ends?  Run far away from teaching? Find a new school in a new district in the hopes of finding my mojo?  Stay on at my current school and fight for changes?  Look into the charter or private arena?  I think I know what I must do, but I still plan to pray about it.  I know that God will lead me in the right direction as usual.  I just have to be sure to quiet my brain long enough to hear His word.  

Please feel free to share your feelings about teaching, teachers, education, God, life...in the comments.  If you have any solutions for me, I am wiiiiiiiiide open!