Sacrifice??

I have been meaning to make another post for a week now because there are so many "Genevieveisms" that I want to share, but I decided to put that on hold to write a vent post just for me.  This one is related to this post about teaching. 

So I received "the call" today.  I've been expecting it, though I was still surprised by it.  The district is beginning staffing procedures and needs to know of my intent to return or not return to the position being held for me.  I know what I want to do, but I don't know if that's what I'll be able to do.  Okay, on to my vent!

I mentioned before that I love teaching and am passionate about it.  It's just too bad that the public school powers that be are sucking that passion right out of me.  They just won't let me do what I've been trained to do in a way that is effective for my students.  Instead, I have to read directly from the teacher guidebooks.  Talk about snoozefest!  For example, "they" want you to differentiate your instruction but then give you a workbook that is the same for every kid.  "They" give you 18 books divided into three levels to use for reading instruction.  That would be great if I had only 18 students and they all fit neatly into those three levels!  What about the kid who begins first grade not knowing all of his/her letters?  What about the kid who starts first grade reading at a 2nd grade level?  Should I be having them read "Sam ran up the bag.  Sam ran down the bag.  Go Sam.  Go!"  Puh-lease! 

How in the world am I going to lesson plan, prep materials, grade student work, enter grades in the online grading system, update my website regularly, schedule parent volunteers, communicate with parents, do report cards, attend parent/teacher conferences, attend early morning staff meetings, and attend 20 hours of professional development outside of school hours in addition to my family responsibilities, which come first, of course?  I know lots of people do it either because they have to or because they love teaching/having a career THAT much.  I get it.  I do. I just am bitter about what has happened to public education, and I don't like being made to feel as though I am never doing enough even when I work 60 hours a week.  I can't do that now that I have my precious Genevieve.  I won't do that now, so I am already going in knowing that in the eyes of my administration, I will not be a good enough teacher.  That bums me out.   

I think it will be interesting to see my evaluation scores next year.  On a rubric system with 5 being the highest and 1 being the lowest, I started my career with mostly threes and a couple of twos.  By my fourth year of teaching, having received a ton of support from amazing teachers and administrators (Debbie, Lynn, Tina, Suzanne, Rebecca, Jenny, Leisa, Dawn, Beth, & Dr. C.), I was receiving mostly fours and fives.  When I switched schools I went back down to threes and maybe a two and a four thrown in for good measure.  To be fair, it was a new rubric system at my new school and different people evaluating me, but I really had to prove myself.  By the time I left for my maternity leave, I was receiving nearly all fours with fives either being eliminated or unattainable.  I don't really remember that darn rubric!  I guess what I'm trying to say is, I will be curious if I go back to receiving twos simply because my priorities have shifted, the art of teaching has been ripped away from me, and there is new administration.  I'll fill you in after my first eval.!  You might feel that these evaluations don't matter.  I try to tell myself that, but then again, I have checked out both of these titles from the library: Anxious to Please and The Pursuit of Perfect.  If you must know, and haven't figured it out from the book titles, I am trying to overcome my need to please and am dealing with my perfectionism. 

I am hoping that when (IF) it's time for me to return to work, Genevieve will be sleeping longer than 2 hours in a row at night.  Oh God, please let this be so!  I don't know how people go to work after more than a year of not sleeping longer than 4 hours in a row (and 4 hours in a row has only happened a handful of times).  I hate playing the "what if" game, but...What if Genevieve has true allergies to all of these foods she's now "sensitive"?  I am going to have to make sure she has safe foods to take to daycare.  If I am able to continue breastfeeding, I am going to have to continue avoiding her allergens.  I'm not sure I can do that and work since I have to make everything from scratch.  Maybe she'll want to wean earlier anyway, so I know this could be totally irrelevant.  Remember this is kind of stream of consciousness writing. I would be sad to have to wean her before we are both truly ready.   

God knows best.  His plans are always better than our plans.  He has proven that to me time and time again, so I just have to remember to pray to and rest in Him.  It is late, so I'm not even going to edit this before posting.  The perfectionist in me usually proofreads and waits until the next day to post.  I'm gonna be cah-razy now and hit the publish button!