I have been meaning to make another post for a week now because there are so many "Genevieveisms" that I want to share, but I decided to put that on hold to write a vent post just for me. This one is related to this post about teaching.
So I received "the call" today. I've been expecting it, though I was still surprised by it. The district is beginning staffing procedures and needs to know of my intent to return or not return to the position being held for me. I know what I want to do, but I don't know if that's what I'll be able to do. Okay, on to my vent!
I mentioned before that I love teaching and am passionate about it. It's just too bad that the public school powers that be are sucking that passion right out of me. They just won't let me do what I've been trained to do in a way that is effective for my students. Instead, I have to read directly from the teacher guidebooks. Talk about snoozefest! For example, "they" want you to differentiate your instruction but then give you a workbook that is the same for every kid. "They" give you 18 books divided into three levels to use for reading instruction. That would be great if I had only 18 students and they all fit neatly into those three levels! What about the kid who begins first grade not knowing all of his/her letters? What about the kid who starts first grade reading at a 2nd grade level? Should I be having them read "Sam ran up the bag. Sam ran down the bag. Go Sam. Go!" Puh-lease!
How in the world am I going to lesson plan, prep materials, grade student work, enter grades in the online grading system, update my website regularly, schedule parent volunteers, communicate with parents, do report cards, attend parent/teacher conferences, attend early morning staff meetings, and attend 20 hours of professional development outside of school hours in addition to my family responsibilities, which come first, of course? I know lots of people do it either because they have to or because they love teaching/having a career THAT much. I get it. I do. I just am bitter about what has happened to public education, and I don't like being made to feel as though I am never doing enough even when I work 60 hours a week. I can't do that now that I have my precious Genevieve. I won't do that now, so I am already going in knowing that in the eyes of my administration, I will not be a good enough teacher. That bums me out.
I think it will be interesting to see my evaluation scores next year. On a rubric system with 5 being the highest and 1 being the lowest, I started my career with mostly threes and a couple of twos. By my fourth year of teaching, having received a ton of support from amazing teachers and administrators (Debbie, Lynn, Tina, Suzanne, Rebecca, Jenny, Leisa, Dawn, Beth, & Dr. C.), I was receiving mostly fours and fives. When I switched schools I went back down to threes and maybe a two and a four thrown in for good measure. To be fair, it was a new rubric system at my new school and different people evaluating me, but I really had to prove myself. By the time I left for my maternity leave, I was receiving nearly all fours with fives either being eliminated or unattainable. I don't really remember that darn rubric! I guess what I'm trying to say is, I will be curious if I go back to receiving twos simply because my priorities have shifted, the art of teaching has been ripped away from me, and there is new administration. I'll fill you in after my first eval.! You might feel that these evaluations don't matter. I try to tell myself that, but then again, I have checked out both of these titles from the library: Anxious to Please and The Pursuit of Perfect. If you must know, and haven't figured it out from the book titles, I am trying to overcome my need to please and am dealing with my perfectionism.
I am hoping that when (IF) it's time for me to return to work, Genevieve will be sleeping longer than 2 hours in a row at night. Oh God, please let this be so! I don't know how people go to work after more than a year of not sleeping longer than 4 hours in a row (and 4 hours in a row has only happened a handful of times). I hate playing the "what if" game, but...What if Genevieve has true allergies to all of these foods she's now "sensitive"? I am going to have to make sure she has safe foods to take to daycare. If I am able to continue breastfeeding, I am going to have to continue avoiding her allergens. I'm not sure I can do that and work since I have to make everything from scratch. Maybe she'll want to wean earlier anyway, so I know this could be totally irrelevant. Remember this is kind of stream of consciousness writing. I would be sad to have to wean her before we are both truly ready.
God knows best. His plans are always better than our plans. He has proven that to me time and time again, so I just have to remember to pray to and rest in Him. It is late, so I'm not even going to edit this before posting. The perfectionist in me usually proofreads and waits until the next day to post. I'm gonna be cah-razy now and hit the publish button!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Slow Down Time
There is so much to update that I am not quite sure where to begin. This should probably be three separate blog posts, but I'll just type it all out at once. You may need to take a few breaks.
I guess I'll start with saying that my beautiful little girl is now 10.5 months old. Her first birthday is fast approaching. I am both excited and a little melancholy (you know, head like a melon, face like a collie). I am excited to see what comes next and what the future holds, but I am melancholy at the fact that she's not such a baby any more. Sometimes I wish I could slow down time.
Genevieve is eating more solid foods and drinking less milk (unless you count the fact that she often eats all night long as a comfort measure or because it's available). Up until now she has liked/eaten everything we've put in front of her, even if it was in very small amounts. She has now developed some preferences, and her behaviors during meal time, including breastfeeding, can be highly comical. When nursing, she sometimes reaches up to pull my hair repeatedly - not in a mean way, but in a way that seems she is fascinated with it. This is probably in large part because she herself has very little hair still. She will also rub a foot on me or rub both feet on something that is nearby (a blanket, pillow, toy, etc.). G hasn't bitten me since she got her first two teeth, and for that I am very thankful!
Genevieve's favorite food is meat, which for her is chicken and turkey. She likes them both equally. If I put meat on her tray with a fruit and/or vegetable, she will eat all of the meat first. She really likes broccoli, but it makes her so gassy (as broccoli does) that we had to stop giving it to her; it was interfering with her nighttime sleep, and we already have enough sleep issues! She has tried so many foods at this point, but I feel as though she's eaten less than other babies her age because of all of her food issues. Her GI doctor recommended introducing one new food at a time still and waiting 7-10 days between foods. We are on blueberries right now, and all seems well. Genevieve has tried avocado, peas, green beans, carrots, parsnips, broccoli, yellow squash, butternut squash, pumpkin, zucchini, red, orange, and yellow bell peppers, potatoes, sweet potatoes, bananas, apples, peaches, pears, prunes, and plums. G loves pears and used to eat peas, but this is where I now find them:
We went through a wonder week several weeks ago. If you don't know what a wonder week is, you can read a little more about them here. We were in week 46, and it was a doozy. This blogger describes the mental leap well. My normally happy baby who can play by herself for short periods of time was replaced by a fussy, clingy baby who only wanted to be held and FREAKED out if I left her sight for 10 seconds. She also refused to go to sleep and thought it was time to play between the hours of 2:30 and 4:30 AM!! We are now back to normal as she happily entertained herself with her play kitchen, a headband, and her high chair while I did dishes and made dinner.
Genevieve's receptive language is developing more each day, and it's so amazing for me to watch it unfold. She knows ball, spoon, monkey, straw, drink, milk, Mama, Dada/Daddy, kitty, all done, and diaper. We are working on up, more, book, bath, and loads of other things. When I say, "Where's your ball?", she will look around to find it and get it. Sometimes I tell her to go get something, and she will. She says Dada frequently, but she also seems to know what it means. She's trying to say diaper, but it sounds a lot like Dada. She says "key" or "tee" for kitty, and that is the extent of her vocabulary at the moment. She does say Mom/Mama on occasion, but it still usually happens when she's really sad and needs comforting. Sometimes it sounds like she is saying all done, and her occupational therapist even noticed that one. Once it sounded like she said hi, but she never repeated it.
Genevieve knows how to get herself down from my lap and from the couch, and she got herself out of one of the cabinets without getting hurt. She is not great at it and is certainly not graceful, but I feel so proud when I see her taking on these physical challenges. She is able to walk with both of her push walkers but prefers the one our friends gave us because it plays music when you push a button. G knows how to push the button to play the music and will stand up holding onto the walker and dance. I love her dancing! I also love her show of frustration at the end of the following video.
Last week, Genevieve was standing up holding on to my shoulders as I was seated on the ground. She let go for one second and had a look of nervous excitement on her face. She did it two more times. I don't know if I'm ready for her to be standing independently. That means walking will follow, and Lord knows I'm not ready for that. Well, maybe I am. J keeps trying to help her stand on her own, but tonight, she had a death grip on his arms. I guess she didn't like that game anymore.
We are still working on food issues and sleep issues, and I am now convinced the two go hand in hand. She only has a bowel movement every 3-5 days and needs the help of prunes to go. Then she will have about 4 bowel movements in one day, each involving straining, grunting, whining, crying, and panting. What's funny is that they aren't hard like you would expect from constipation. This was the exact scene from today in fact. Unfortunately, there was also mucous and blood in some of the stools, so I have decided to lay off the wheat and vitamins, which I just started last week. I am not sure which caused this reaction or if either one did. I do think she reacted to eggplant I ate a couple of weeks ago, probably since it's related to the tomato, which cause major issues for my love.
Two nights ago, G would simply not fall asleep no matter what. She was starting to fall asleep several times, so I know she was tired. I don't think she was overtired because she had two great naps today. Sure enough, she pooped, and then I was able to get her to sleep like normal. She slept for two hours and then comfort nursed nearly every hour for the rest of the night. The next night, I didn't get to sleep until 5 AM since the only way she would sleep is upright in my arms. She didn't nurse as usual, so this tells me it's a reflux issue and not a habit or my fault for not sleep training her. We have a follow up appointment with Geneveive's GI doc along with a nutritionist on March 11th. That day can't come soon enough for me, and I really hope I get more from the doctor than for me to just keep doing what I'm doing. It can't be normal to be eating things like peaches and pears with every meal and still not produce a bowel movement regularly. I think I will just start doing prunes daily and see if that helps her.
Some days I feel really discouraged by not knowing what to do to help Genevieve. I get wrapped up in the trials that I forget to enjoy it all. It's hard not getting any breaks from a baby all day. I had counted on having her nap times to get things done or recharge, but I didn't get the kind of baby who naps on her own regularly (please don't offer sleep training advice). Sometimes she does give me 20 minutes. She has been known to give me two hours, but I am so afraid she'll wake up that I still hardly get anything done! It takes more than an hour and a half to get her to sleep at night, and that leaves no time for J and I to spend together, especially since she doesn't always stay asleep. I'm not trying to complain here. Okay, maybe I am. It's my blog, and I'll do what I want.
I am just working to adjust my expectations. That is hard for a perfectionist who wants to do it all, well, perfectly. I want to help my baby be more comfortable. I want to help her sleep better. I want time for myself to shower, eat, cook, clean, etc. I need time to myself to learn HOW to cook with all of my dietary restrictions. I want time with my husband to strengthen our marriage. (Anyone want to babysit??) I get really down on myself for not having a cleaner home, especially since I am home almost all day every day, but I am trying to be more gracious with myself in all of these areas. It's been a challenging, yet very blessed, 10.5 months.
I need to remember to rest in the Lord. It's all in His hands. He will provide, and I know He has been teaching me some valuable lessons these past 10 1/2 months.
In closing, I leave you with a song by one of my most favorite artists.
Staring at this empty canvas,
Waiting for the next stroke of my life.
It seems to go by so fast.
Another day I've wasted wondering,
How it all ends up instead of resting,
That it's all in Your hands.
My only piece is waiting before You.
My praise to You,
Drowning noise around me.
Chorus:
I wish I could slow down time,
I wish I could wait here at your feet.
'Cause with you is the only place that I wanna be.
I know I should take it all in stride.
I know you are there with every reach.
'Cause with you is the only place that I wanna be.
On my own I always fade out fast,
On the run my every step will last.
I'm resting in your words that never fail.
Your searching every part of me.
I need to stop so I could hear You speak.
I long for you so here I am so thirsty.
My only piece is waiting before You.
My praise to You,
Drowning the noise around me.
(Chorus)
It's where I wanna be,
The greatness of your presence always leaving me here speechless.
I've given up on making this life my home.
In the fullness of your glory is beyond my comprehension.
There's no greater joy then being with you my King.
I guess I'll start with saying that my beautiful little girl is now 10.5 months old. Her first birthday is fast approaching. I am both excited and a little melancholy (you know, head like a melon, face like a collie). I am excited to see what comes next and what the future holds, but I am melancholy at the fact that she's not such a baby any more. Sometimes I wish I could slow down time.
Genevieve is eating more solid foods and drinking less milk (unless you count the fact that she often eats all night long as a comfort measure or because it's available). Up until now she has liked/eaten everything we've put in front of her, even if it was in very small amounts. She has now developed some preferences, and her behaviors during meal time, including breastfeeding, can be highly comical. When nursing, she sometimes reaches up to pull my hair repeatedly - not in a mean way, but in a way that seems she is fascinated with it. This is probably in large part because she herself has very little hair still. She will also rub a foot on me or rub both feet on something that is nearby (a blanket, pillow, toy, etc.). G hasn't bitten me since she got her first two teeth, and for that I am very thankful!
Genevieve's favorite food is meat, which for her is chicken and turkey. She likes them both equally. If I put meat on her tray with a fruit and/or vegetable, she will eat all of the meat first. She really likes broccoli, but it makes her so gassy (as broccoli does) that we had to stop giving it to her; it was interfering with her nighttime sleep, and we already have enough sleep issues! She has tried so many foods at this point, but I feel as though she's eaten less than other babies her age because of all of her food issues. Her GI doctor recommended introducing one new food at a time still and waiting 7-10 days between foods. We are on blueberries right now, and all seems well. Genevieve has tried avocado, peas, green beans, carrots, parsnips, broccoli, yellow squash, butternut squash, pumpkin, zucchini, red, orange, and yellow bell peppers, potatoes, sweet potatoes, bananas, apples, peaches, pears, prunes, and plums. G loves pears and used to eat peas, but this is where I now find them:
 |
| Peas thrown on the floor |
Genevieve's receptive language is developing more each day, and it's so amazing for me to watch it unfold. She knows ball, spoon, monkey, straw, drink, milk, Mama, Dada/Daddy, kitty, all done, and diaper. We are working on up, more, book, bath, and loads of other things. When I say, "Where's your ball?", she will look around to find it and get it. Sometimes I tell her to go get something, and she will. She says Dada frequently, but she also seems to know what it means. She's trying to say diaper, but it sounds a lot like Dada. She says "key" or "tee" for kitty, and that is the extent of her vocabulary at the moment. She does say Mom/Mama on occasion, but it still usually happens when she's really sad and needs comforting. Sometimes it sounds like she is saying all done, and her occupational therapist even noticed that one. Once it sounded like she said hi, but she never repeated it.
 |
| "Where's your monkey?" |
Last week, Genevieve was standing up holding on to my shoulders as I was seated on the ground. She let go for one second and had a look of nervous excitement on her face. She did it two more times. I don't know if I'm ready for her to be standing independently. That means walking will follow, and Lord knows I'm not ready for that. Well, maybe I am. J keeps trying to help her stand on her own, but tonight, she had a death grip on his arms. I guess she didn't like that game anymore.
We are still working on food issues and sleep issues, and I am now convinced the two go hand in hand. She only has a bowel movement every 3-5 days and needs the help of prunes to go. Then she will have about 4 bowel movements in one day, each involving straining, grunting, whining, crying, and panting. What's funny is that they aren't hard like you would expect from constipation. This was the exact scene from today in fact. Unfortunately, there was also mucous and blood in some of the stools, so I have decided to lay off the wheat and vitamins, which I just started last week. I am not sure which caused this reaction or if either one did. I do think she reacted to eggplant I ate a couple of weeks ago, probably since it's related to the tomato, which cause major issues for my love.
Two nights ago, G would simply not fall asleep no matter what. She was starting to fall asleep several times, so I know she was tired. I don't think she was overtired because she had two great naps today. Sure enough, she pooped, and then I was able to get her to sleep like normal. She slept for two hours and then comfort nursed nearly every hour for the rest of the night. The next night, I didn't get to sleep until 5 AM since the only way she would sleep is upright in my arms. She didn't nurse as usual, so this tells me it's a reflux issue and not a habit or my fault for not sleep training her. We have a follow up appointment with Geneveive's GI doc along with a nutritionist on March 11th. That day can't come soon enough for me, and I really hope I get more from the doctor than for me to just keep doing what I'm doing. It can't be normal to be eating things like peaches and pears with every meal and still not produce a bowel movement regularly. I think I will just start doing prunes daily and see if that helps her.
Some days I feel really discouraged by not knowing what to do to help Genevieve. I get wrapped up in the trials that I forget to enjoy it all. It's hard not getting any breaks from a baby all day. I had counted on having her nap times to get things done or recharge, but I didn't get the kind of baby who naps on her own regularly (please don't offer sleep training advice). Sometimes she does give me 20 minutes. She has been known to give me two hours, but I am so afraid she'll wake up that I still hardly get anything done! It takes more than an hour and a half to get her to sleep at night, and that leaves no time for J and I to spend together, especially since she doesn't always stay asleep. I'm not trying to complain here. Okay, maybe I am. It's my blog, and I'll do what I want.
I am just working to adjust my expectations. That is hard for a perfectionist who wants to do it all, well, perfectly. I want to help my baby be more comfortable. I want to help her sleep better. I want time for myself to shower, eat, cook, clean, etc. I need time to myself to learn HOW to cook with all of my dietary restrictions. I want time with my husband to strengthen our marriage. (Anyone want to babysit??) I get really down on myself for not having a cleaner home, especially since I am home almost all day every day, but I am trying to be more gracious with myself in all of these areas. It's been a challenging, yet very blessed, 10.5 months.
I need to remember to rest in the Lord. It's all in His hands. He will provide, and I know He has been teaching me some valuable lessons these past 10 1/2 months.
In closing, I leave you with a song by one of my most favorite artists.
Staring at this empty canvas,
Waiting for the next stroke of my life.
It seems to go by so fast.
Another day I've wasted wondering,
How it all ends up instead of resting,
That it's all in Your hands.
My only piece is waiting before You.
My praise to You,
Drowning noise around me.
Chorus:
I wish I could slow down time,
I wish I could wait here at your feet.
'Cause with you is the only place that I wanna be.
I know I should take it all in stride.
I know you are there with every reach.
'Cause with you is the only place that I wanna be.
On my own I always fade out fast,
On the run my every step will last.
I'm resting in your words that never fail.
Your searching every part of me.
I need to stop so I could hear You speak.
I long for you so here I am so thirsty.
My only piece is waiting before You.
My praise to You,
Drowning the noise around me.
(Chorus)
It's where I wanna be,
The greatness of your presence always leaving me here speechless.
I've given up on making this life my home.
In the fullness of your glory is beyond my comprehension.
There's no greater joy then being with you my King.
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