I Hope You Dance

My darling Genevieve,

It's hard to believe that you've been mine for 6 whole months already.  That's half a year!  Everyone says how time will fly by.  They tell you to cherish this time and not waste it.  I've been trying my best, sweet girl, to make sure every moment counts - even the ones where you poop immediately after I just changed your diaper.  I find that to be a very awesome talent.

So much has changed about you and about our relationship.  I am amazed every day at how you respond to me and things in your environment.  If you want something you go after it...except if it seems too hard.  We're working on perseverance.  You are developing likes and dislikes.  You have some favorite toys and some toys you could really care less about.  You even seem to prefer certain books (Skippyjon Jones Shape Up and Red Hat Green Hat).  Maybe that's because Mommy prefers certain books.  You like to be held by women mostly and tend to cry when men pick you up, even Grandpa Seaney.  I think it's true that you can sense evil.  (Kidding boys.)

You are figuring out the world around you.  You like to touch everything!!  You will stop nursing so you can feel the burp cloth, my shirt, my skin, your helmet, the couch, the pillows, etc.  If a phone or camera are nearby, you will try to grab them.  You roll yourself to the DVDs daily and push them back.  You love watching Pawncho, and today, you tried to roll to him.  You got distracted by the sound of your feet kicking against the ground while lying on your belly, so by the time you got to where the kitty was, he had already moved to the opposite side of the room.  You drank from Mommy's water bottle with some help on Sunday because you figured out exactly where to place your mouth.  You are very observant and love to watch Mommy and Daddy eat and drink.  You roll to Daddy's plate when it's on the ground, and a couple of times you've put your hand in his food.  You swipe Daddy's glasses right off his face almost every day!  When will he learn?  I guess the same time I learn how powerful your grip is on my hair.   

You are such a big girl!  Today I discovered that I have to adjust your car seat straps because you are too tall for their current setting.  I can't wait to find out how tall you are at your 6 month well check on Tuesday!  Every night I nurse you to sleep.  You always decide when you're done eating and ready for sleep.  You close your eyes and simply cuddle up against me, limbs limp from all the hard work they've done during the day (push ups, toy grabbing, rolling over). Once asleep, I scoop you up and put you in your play yard.  You stay where I put you much of the time, or you roll yourself up against the mesh side to sleep all snug.  You are sleeping 2-4 hours there before I bring you to bed with Daddy and I.  You used to nurse quite frequently during the night, but now you only wake up once or twice.  Your eyes don't even open.  You also don't eat for very long before drifting off to sleep where I imagine you dream of getting to eat solid food soon.

My precious Genevieve, nothing gives me more pleasure than seeing you smile and hearing your laughter.  I do whatever I can each day to have both of those things happen frequently.  I hate hearing you whine and cry, which you do when you are tired, hungry, bored or frustrated.  I try to make sure none of those things happen, but they are inevitable as the world stretches you to your limits some days.  You are such an easy baby (except for nap time), and it takes very little effort to redirect you if you have reached your fussy point and we aren't in a place to immediately meet your needs.  We can walk you around, have you look in the mirror, make silly faces/sounds, give you a new toy or something to feel or chew, or we can simply meet your needs (i.e. a diaper change, a feeding, or sleep).

There are so many more things I can write to you and about you, but it is getting late my love.  I am blessed each day that I wake up to your silly sounds and smiling face.  I love how you grab my face and bit my chin.  I love how you are comforted when I hold you.  I love how your face lights up when you see your Dad.  I love how you've made me a better person in the short time you've been on Earth.  Happy half birthday!

Love,
Your mamamamama

p.s.  I hope you dance, baby girl.

   

   

Food, Glorious Food!

A wise woman once said to a friend who then told me that she "eats to live rather than lives to eat."  At the time, being at least 30 pounds overweight, I didn't get this.  Oh I knew what it meant.  I just couldn't understand the discipline needed to live this way.  Many, many years later, I learned about eating healthy, but I still lived to eat much of the time.  During breakfast I was already thinking about what I was going to have for lunch.

When I became pregnant I didn't take that as a free for all time where I could eat whatever (well, I thought about it for a good, long minute).  I still tried to eat healthy, but I certainly didn't feel bad about that pizza or ice cream (or 50,000 egg and cheese sandwiches) I ate.  As a nursing mother, I figured I'd continue down the same path.  My lactation consultant said that I shouldn't have to modify my diet, as long as it was healthy.  My milk would become flavored by what I ate, and it would help G get used to different flavors.

I will never forget a difficult night around the time G was three weeks old.  She wouldn't stop crying.  She had a clean diaper and a full belly.  We were bouncing her and rocking her thinking she just needed to sleep.  I consulted The Baby Book by Dr. Sears.  It was kind of like our baby Bible early on.  When G started to toot, I consulted the section on gas.  J and I bicycled her legs and massaged her belly, and after awhile it seemed to help a bit.  This may have been the night I sent J out to get gas drops, but unfortunately they were fresh out.  He brought home some gripe water, so we gave it a shot.  I didn't notice that it helped in the least bit.

As I often do, I began researching what could be causing my daughter such discomfort.  She was crying out in her sleep, but not the usual sleep crying.  She was tossing her head back and forth and kicking her legs.  Pitiful little toots would escape her bum, and she would relax and go back to sleep.  This happened all night long every single night.  I should also mention that her poo was not that of typical breast fed babies.  This changed around the 6 or 7 week mark.  Instead of lovely mustardy-yellow poo we were getting slimy, green poo.    
   
 It turns out that the #1 culprit in all of this is cow's milk protein.  Apparently, babies often cannot digest the proteins until their gut is more developed.  No more milk for this mama.  That meant a lot more than just no milk.  It meant no ice cream, cheese, yogurt or anything made with whey, casein or at least 10 other milk based products that are in so many foods.  Though J was doubtful about this solution, he couldn't argue much when G got seemingly better after only three days of me being dairy free.  On the 4th day, I ate some ice cream.  I felt horrible for the pain I put my daughter through that night and the next day.  I knew I had to give up dairy, and I thought it would be the hardest thing.  It was until I discovered another food intolerance.  Corn.

Corn is in everything in some form.  It has been a nightmare trying to find ready made products or packaged foods that are corn free and dairy free.  After discovering a tree nut intolerance, I almost lost it.  I think eggs are okay, but the jury's still out on wheat.  I have my good days and my bad days with food.  I hate cooking, but now I hate it even more because I feel so limited.  I feel bad that J has to have such a limited variety of dinners because I just don't know what to make, and there is no way I have the time or the desire to make two separate meals.  We have spent so much money on food because all I can really eat is chicken, turkey, fruits, vegetables, rice and quinoa.  Produce is expensive, especially when it's organic!

My daughter's comfort and health have been well worth the dietary restrictions.  I keep reminding myself that this will be such a short period in time compared to the rest of our lives.  Two years will go by so quickly, and I may even be able to reintroduce some foods before G is weaned.  It has never been easier to pass up a slice of pizza or a trip to Cold Stone Creamery.  Going from making very few things completely from scratch to having to make most meals completely from scratch is quite a change (and a challenge with a baby to keep me busy).

I now fully understand eating to live and not living to eat.

p.s. J told me tonight that he is trying to break his chai latte habit, so we can put that money towards healthy foods for me.  That's altruism if I ever encountered it.             
        

The Journey to Motherhood

Everyone tells you how much babies change your life but for the better.  I never understood that.  I guess that's because I was never a baby person.  I didn't know how to handle babies or what to do with them.  I didn't get too goo goo ga ga over them, and never reached out and snatched up one of my friends' babies.  I was always content to just sit back and observe.  I now understand that it was my anxiety disorder interfering.  I don't love being the center of attention, especially around people I don't know too well.  If you have a baby, let's face it, you will be the center of attention even if you are only in the background of that center.  I didn't want people watching my ineptitude with babies, so I would only hold a baby if someone offered and then not for too long.

It was this same anxiety that held me back from having a child myself.  J and I married in 1997, and I always just assumed that we'd have kids eventually.  I think J did too, but we always seemed to have some excuse, albeit valid excuses in our minds, to put it off until later.  First we had to finish college.  Then we had to get established in our careers.  Then we had to do this, that and the other thing.  Our friends started having babies, but we were just content with our lives as a couple.  One day a few years ago, J tells me that he wants to have a baby.  Wait a second, I thought.  In a matter of years we went from J not wanting to have kids and me trying to understand why to him wanting us to have a baby.  How did that happen?!

It seems our rolls had reversed.  It was now J doing the convincing.  I wasn't sure I had what it took to be a good mom.  I felt very inadequate and anxious about the whole idea of motherhood.  All kinds of thoughts began to take up space in my mind.  I'm not good with babies.  I'm too selfish.  I won't know what to do.  What if it chokes?  Can we just adopt a 6 year old?

Everywhere I went I felt bombarded with messages of motherhood.  Messages were evident in church homilies, songs on the radio, and even a favorite comedian's stand up act.  God was speaking loud and clear, but I was choosing to ignore his will for my life.  I was too scared, and I let that fear control so much of my life.  I knew I needed outside help, but I kept putting it off.

I finally decided to take the leap in July 2010.  That's right folks, I saw a therapist.  Okay, we also started trying to have a baby.  The therapist told me that I have generalized anxiety disorder that is brought on by my perfectionism.  I tried to tell her that I am not a perfectionist, and she tried to convince me otherwise.  After four wonderful visits with my therapist, I was ready to really work on myself.  There were a lot of changes happening, but one of them was not an expanding belly.  Things just weren't happening.  By October I wanted to stop trying.  I was too stressed and unsure if I was making the right choice.  One night, I spent some extra time in prayer, and I remember telling God that it is all in his hands.  I never realized how freeing it could be to give yourself over to the will of God, but that's exactly what I did.  I quit trying to plan the baby.  I felt that if it was supposed to happen it would, and it would happen in God's time, not mine.

I quit thinking about having a baby and trying to make sure it would be born at a time that would work well for my school schedule.  Wouldn't you know, that's when I found out I was pregnant.  It's funny how these things work.  I let go of my will, and God makes everything fall into place just the way it's supposed to be.  Thanks God.  I need to have more faith in you.    

Heading Home

3/3/12

J brought up the car seat, so we could put G in for the first time.  You should have seen us trying to adjust it!  Hilarious!  We didn't have the manual and weren't sure it was adjusted to fit her.  We did make some minor adjustments and got confirmation from Nurse Alison that it looked good.  J took the rest of our things to the car while the nurses brought me a wheelchair.  I put the car seat on my lap, and a nurse pushed me with one hand while she carried my flowers from Christylee with the other hand.  J met us out front. 

I sat in back for the ride home and watched G drift right off to sleep.  We just kept talking about how we couldn't believe we were going home with our baby.  We were freaked out about having to care for her all on our own.  It was kind of nice having the nurses around to help us if we had questions.  What would we do now?  Oh yeah, freak the heck out!!!

We stopped at Wal-Mart to drop off my prescriptions and then went home.  We put the car seat with baby down in the family room, and Pawncho came over to sniff.  He didn't stick around long. 

It's crazy, but I don't remember much from this day other than having to load the baby back up to go pick up my prescriptions.  I think J made something easy for dinner, and I spent most of my time nursing the baby and trying to get her to sleep in her bassinet.  It felt good to be home, and I am still amazed at how good I felt for a zombie. 

Hospital Pediatrician: Quack or Expert?

3/3/12

We'll see how much I can remember considering this day occurred just over 5 months ago.  

We were visited by a different pediatrician from the one we had the previous two days.  For this I was thankful because the other doctor barely said two words to me.  The first time she came I didn't even realize she was the pediatrician.  This doctor noticed right away that G had torticollis.  J didn't know what it was, but I had heard of it before.  I knew a five year old that needed surgery to correct his torticollis because it hadn't been worked out sooner.  The doctor even asked to take a picture of G's neck to show his students because apparently it was a "classic case".  Basically torticollis is a tightening of the neck muscles, which makes the head tilt to one side.  The pediatrician said it was up to G's regular doctor to recommend physical therapy for her neck. (She has been in therapy for over a month now, and she is making great progress!) 

The pediatrician also commented on G's head shape, or plagiocephaly.  Since she formed against my ribs, her head was flatter on one side and more pronounced on the other.  The doctor mentioned that a lot of people are putting their kids in helmets.  He suggested we not do this.  He said, "You don't see kids in India walking around with helmets on do you?"  Um, okay.    (We currently have her wearing a helmet to correct her head shape.) 



We brought up that we thought G looked "tongue tied".  He said she is, but it would stretch out in time.  He recommended that we not get it snipped.  (We got it snipped when she was around 3 weeks old because she couldn't stick her tongue past her gums, and it was interfering with breast feeding.)  He was very opinionated and a little strange.  He also had some old school/outdated recommendations about breast feeding (feed 15 minutes on one side and then switch to the other rather than letting the baby eat as long as she wants on one side before offering the other side). 

The pediatrician asked us who G's regular ped would be, and it turns out he knows the guy!  He said some nice things about him.  Even though the hospital pediatrician may in fact be a quack, it still felt good hearing support for G's pediatrician.